Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I at least profited there. That makes me appreciate my depreciation more.

Some people have lives; some people have music.

Helios thought he looked pretty hot, and he had an annoying habit of calling the sun his “chick magnet.

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we’re going to be having a shufti to see if it’s solid, aren’t we, we’re not going to be asking, ‘Excuse me, are you the...

I’m not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I’m always asked to be the one to first give up the tit.

I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together.”What?”Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud.”That’s who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.”The people who’ve been in your...

New lesson class… most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword.this change is perfectly normal, and will happen to you RIGHT NOW if you don’t BACK OFF!…. CLASS DISMISSED!

No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,” he began, “especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?””They go to hell,” was my ready and orthodox answer.”And...

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going...

Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die.

She was hearing the words. They just weren’t registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

Housework can kill you if done right.

I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler’s lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when...

During our first date,I wanted to hold your hand so badI almost cut mine offand threw it at youto see if you would catch it

People ask me what I am politically and I’ve previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

I’m immortal! Doesn’t that mean I won’t get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn’t mean that, I want a refund—

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to be a Frisbee, and that’s why I say he was a fool. What...

The marks we leave are too often scars.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

It is Nixon himself who represents that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character that almost every country in the world has learned to fear and despise. Our Barbie-doll president, with his...

I own the night, and all the blackness that isn’t. It is isn’t.

I would not wish to marry someone who had already been married. It would be,’ she opined, ‘like having someone else break in one’s own pony.

What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.

I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.

While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, ‘I love you’ to me for the first time. It sounded like ‘All lub boo,’ but I didn’t care. To reciprocate, I showed...

Look, we need to make time, but we also need to be somewhat quiet.” She faced him. “I am being quiet!”Pathik held a finger up to his lips. “Seriously. Quite. You don’t really want to...

Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa,” intoned Opal, finishing her chant. “Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I...

Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.

‘Not drinking?’ Collin asked coolly. ‘I only drink the blood of virgins,’ Logan quipped. ‘You must be dehydrated then.’ A slow smile spread over Logan’s face. ‘A sense of humor… rare in a Templar.’

If my initials were Y.E.S., I’d probably go around smiling all the time.

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you’re a corn dog.”COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had...

My mother is convinced that yellow is a happy color and that a happy girl would get a husband.-Penelope Featherington

The man walked past me and stopped, observing the blood running down my neck.”Your injury. Let us tend to it.” He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. “Our...

I dunno, but I wish I hadn’t.

Somebody get me a cheeseburger!

If you look at some of those dysfunctional vampyre relationships, we’re near normal.

Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility.

—,Acabas de… lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir…—¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar.—Jesús,...

I had a dream about you. You were 1882, and I was 1982. You said you were older, and I replied that I was taller. Still, for being a midget, you were pretty good at...

Jesus was a good guy, he didn’t need this shit.

There’s a saying,” Aeneas said: “Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts.” He spoke wryly. “Horses, particularly.