You’re a very odd man,” said Bert.”I get that more often than you’d think,” replied Charles.

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They’ll believe anything they see in print.

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

You know, when the list of people who have a really good reason to want you dead covers more than two sheets of paper, you might want to start rethinking your life choices.

I was short staffed. But that’s what happens when all your employees are midgets. I make love like spicy rice.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

I’m thinking there should be a dating site called “Tap That” – Jonathan “Jack” McVoy

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

I just thought it sounded good.

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

The USPS is the only place in the world where you will find a black guy, a white guy, and a hispanic guy playing Filipino poker! And we love it that way!

Past age fifty-five, I experienced the advancement of exquisite fabric choices, paint distinctions that were celestial in scope, yet so many other man-made objects, such as people, became drab, redundant and boring.

You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe...

Writers don’t make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don’t work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make...

If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.

I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are there—you just have to find them and rearrange the order until you’ve arrived...

I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.It never is, sir.Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist.I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama – Their father can order an assassination, don’t piss him off.

the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

When am I going to learn to stop questioning authority and just eat the Soylent Green?

My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

Western doctors are like poor plumbers. They treat a splashing tube by cleaning up the water. These plumbers are extremely apt at drying up the water, constantly inventing new, expensive, and refined methods of drying...

I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was...

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

He was a six and a half foot scowl.(on Rachmaninov)

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

My dearest girl,’ said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, ‘such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he...

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You’ve just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave.

I don’t care what other people think about me. Most people are idiots, and they can think whatever they want.

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

Yes, well, that doesn’t usually happen to women in London. But it’s not so much of a scandal as it is a challenge.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

You’re not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why….this is why I like you.

I know – I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.”Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.Alice beamed. “I do. Excellent.

I don’t do relationships because I don’t want to love and lose myself.

The Sweater Song” was inspired by a legendary cat sweater I knitted.

I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.