Step One: Grab Mattie. Step Two: Run. It wasn’t much of a plan. But what it lacked in potential it made up for in simplicity.

I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side.

Luck is a woman. She’s drawn to those that least deserve her.

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.

A few said they’d be horses. Most said they’d be some sort of cat. My friend said she’d like to come back as a porcupine. I don’t like crowds, she said.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first...

Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don’t know anybody named Donald.

I really should be studying now, but you’re much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School– SEMESTER REPORT — STUDENT: Joseph MargolisTEACHER: Janet HicksENGLISH: A, ARITHMETIC: A, SOCIAL STUDIES: A, SCIENCE: A, NEATNESS: A, PUNCTUALITY: A, PARTICIPATION: A, OBEDIENCE: DTeacher’s Comments:Joseph remains a challenging student. While...

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of ‘Stagefright Sympathy Sickness’.

He’d gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.

The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side....

I love those dark moments in Peanuts. I love that they’re in there, that Charles Schulz put the sad lonely bits of himself into the comic. I love the silliness too, the dancing Snoopy strips....

It’s not the early bird that gets the worm, it’s the one who knows to go outside after a rainstorm.

ASU, ASU.

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

Women, in general, are less visually aroused than men, a trait that has nearly cut the market for pornography in half.

I had a dream about you. The Yesterday Leaf floated like a pack of feathers in flight. It was traveling north, because that’s the direction of warm tomorrow.

The troops and their ladies had first drunk champagne. There were also remains of sandwiches, and I stepped on one, which I think was either cucumber or watercress. I scraped it off on the curbing,...

Stairs,” Valkyrie said, disappointed.”Not just ordinary stairs,” Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. “Magic stairs.””Really?””Oh, yes.”She followed him into the darkness. “How are they magic?””They just are.””In what way?””In a magicky way.”She...

Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like ostrich, because I’m always running from it.

Mythologically speaking, if there’s anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it’s bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even...

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

LIPID (Last Idiot Person I Dated) syndrome: a largely undiagnosed but pervasive disease that afflicts single women.

I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.

I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.

The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez...

You sure about this writer thing son?

If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.

If I ever do hook up with anybody again – and I sincerely doubt that I will, so wipe that hopeful look off your face – it will be with someone who thinks that being...

This is stolen? We’re in a stolen jet?””Not stolen,” said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot’s seat.”Almost stolen,” Gracious corrected.”Semi-stolen,” said Donegan.”Quasi-stolen,” said Gracious. Aurora’s frown did not turn upside down. “So is it stolen or...

This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.

Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let’s unleash her rage. Great idea.

There are no normal people, there are just different kinds of weird, all of it is human and all humanity is better than everything inhuman. So I urge you to keep expressing yourself as honestly...

Being a writer is 1% inspiration, 50% perspiration and 49% explaining you’re not a millionaire like J.K.Rowling.

Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said. ‘One can’t believe impossible things.’I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day....

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

Yet, for my part, I was never usually squeamish; I could sometimes eat a fried rat with a good relish, if it were necessary. I am glad to have drunk water so long, for the...

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed...

Nothing goes so well with a hot fire and buttered crumpets as a wet day without and a good dose of comfortable horrors within. The heavier the lashing of the rain and the ghastlier the...

Yeah, you could say her and I are lovers. She wouldn’t say it, and neither would I, but you could.

Bob poured and brought two cups over, hardly rattling them on the saucers. “Drink up. This should restore your inner bitch.” Bailey scowled at him. “See?” he said. “It’s working already, and all you’ve had...

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli’s new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog...

Así es. ,Sabes?, Bianca di Angelo no es la única que tiene un hermano irritante. Ya va siendo hora de que conozcas a mi muy irresponsable gemelo. Apolo. – Artemisa.