You are the strangest girl I’ve ever met,” he said, like he thought I was joking. He picked up his water bottle and gave me a sideways glance. “Have you ever kissed anybody?” he asked,...

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles……they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

Nice day for a funeral.

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

Magic is the only honest profession. A magician promises to deceive you and he does.

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.

Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.

We piled aboard the small chopper and after a bit of map pointing to the pilot we lifted off. “I love the RAF,” said Jed.”I love them too, sir,” said I. After a short flight...

Maxwell Arbus was the reason Saul lost an eye?” “Yes,” Millie answers stiffly. “But that was a long time ago. Saul has moved on. So have I.” Whatever checks I’d held on my emotions shatter....

I like to wear a suit and tie and say things like, Well, I’d better be getting back to the farm. The crop’s not going to grow without my encouragement.

When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an...

I put out the Greg Call, which sounds like a whistle-quack, and a few dozen Toms responded. The only time I need a Tom is tomorrow.

I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms.

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

The assholes are always puzzled when the order of the universe is restored, when they are held accountable for their cowardly, pretentious, loveless ways.

I roll out of bed in the morning like a man in a wheelchair. Life is a journey, and walking is so inefficient.

Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to...

Meaning what? We’re going to pretend nothing’s going on? That’s stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.”Have you been watching Oprah again?

My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.

I hate you, I thought, I hate you with your bloody nature-boy airs and your bloody forced-march voyage of bloody discovery. I wondered then if Finn’s personality worked on everyone, or whether I had just...

Never marry something until you’ve established the perfect pizza ratio…The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we’re a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two...

If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for...

Well, that’s your opinion, isn’t it? And I’m not about to waste my time trying to change it.

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

Knowing more people is not important in growing your business. However, more people knowing you is the key to wealth. Be a magnet, and all the refrigerators will come to you—along with all the free...

Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky.

We are not born with a need for knowledge, but a hunger for it. Eve bit the apple and it has been gluttony ever since.

Love is like a rain cloud under the dome of an umbrella. But I’m cool with that, because that’s what I call a portable shower.

Nicely phrased.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

I can’t think of a word to rhyme with marble column.

Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie’s mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of “Back! Foul best of Hell!” followed by gasps of “Is it alive?” and a nervous inquiry as to whether...

I prefer the light approach because I believe there is a great deal of false reverence about.

I call him by his first name only. We’re that friendly. Plus, with a last name of McGee, why would I ever bother calling him by his full name of Dicksmear McGee?

I’ve heard of such a legend!’ I gasped. ‘A child descended from a union between Christ and Mary Magdalene!’ ‘Don’t be so fucking stupid,’ snorted Mons. ‘There’s hundreds of those!

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

I planted the seed in her imagination, and then I farmed it. Like a fisherman.

And Mega has a crush on Chester.””I do not!””Do too, Mega.””He’s like, old!””How old, Christian says.””Like at least thirty or something.”Lor laughs. ” Fucking ancient, ain’t it, kid?””Dude,” I agree. I like Lor.

Today I will masterbate!Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

On time for us was thirty minutes before actually started, because the half hour before the first bell was the highlight of our social calendars: standing outside the side door that led into the band...

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

I bought a big brown stuffed animal. You know, for dinner.

If you’re having a bad hair day or a bad boy day, he’ll whip up one of his yummy mango smoothies for you, sit you down, and say, “Little one, remember what’s really important in...

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there’s someone else to do the housework.