I had a dream about you. I had a flat tire on the interstate, which is really embarrassing for a hitchhiker who is using that tire as a substitute for pants. You were the only...

…[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American ‘Labour Union’ in that among other things, it treated working women with complete equality. While in this respect the English, and still more the...

That’s very rude,” Myrnin said. “I haven’t brought my fangs our for some time. Not in mixed company, anyway.

Considerable thought was given in early Congresses to the possibility of renaming the country. From the start, many people recognized that United States of America was unsatisfactory. For one thing, it allowed of no convenient...

The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.

If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it.

They say that time is relative. I think the way it’s treating me it’s a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

It’s not the tales of Stephen King that I’ve read,I need protection from the things in my head . . .

Don’t fucking quote me!

I tried to step back quickly but James grabbed my hand. “C’mon,” he said “this’ll be fun.” Geez… What’s your definition of fun? Cuz mines not to possibly get killed my first day here. Or...

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.

A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work.

I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.

He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look...

[Bobby Tom] finally understood Gracie’s function in his life. She was God’s joke on him.

You’re never too old to laugh at stories about love and sex.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

You were baptized?””My sister told me that yes, Father baptized me shortly after birth. My mother was a Protestant of a faith that deplored infant baptism, so they had a quarrel about it.” The Bishop...

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

His clothes were clean, but his mustache was dirty. He must have used it as a brush to scrub his pants. I’ll bet his coffee tastes like freedom.

Hell’s got IT?Yes, of course. Who do you think invented Candy Crush?

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach’s Air on the G string.

I’m past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I’d win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

I think I killed a girl who looked like this once.

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.

I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.

Wesley went everywhere with me from then on. I even wrapped him in baby blankets and held him in my arms while grocery shopping, to keep him warm during the first cold winter. Occasionally someone...

So much better for you to long for what you can never have, than to get it and have to face the reality of it. I assure you, when you realize the reality of this...

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

I want to see the king,” I said, after explaining who I was.”Wonderful,” said the ancient Nkumai who sat on a cushion near the corner pole of the house. “I’m glad for you.”That was all,...

I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.

I had a dream last night I was awake through the pregnancy but I fell asleep at birth when I awoke I was Pinocchio and stuck inside a tree, does that mean I don’t have...

Kitty need’s a tounge bath

As Richard has pointed out on several occasions, I subscribe to the irregular verb theory of life: I am a trained investigator, you have a healthy curiosity, she/he is a nosy parker.

I never fail. It’s just that the people around me succeed more than I.

By all accounts Rafe’s life had been shattered by the loss of his brother Peter. But whereas she turned away from drink when Draven died, Rafe had simply upended a barrel of brandy on his...

International awareness of his deceptive practices is the reflection of the frustration that is prevailing in Sri Lanka which the President is trying to undermine by the traditional emotive and hate mongering politics.

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

Harry,” Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, “what you know about women, I could juggle.

Here’s to our enduring sisterhood. May it bind us together more tightly that the Lycra in my Spanx underpants.

If you Have ever Fainted, You Are a stranger in the land of the dead!

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.