Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.

Like a shot from a movie, the morning sun shone brilliantly around him like a god—his dark hair glinted warmly in the light, and his eyes gleamed bluer than the south Pacific Ocean.Taylor’s mind went...

Piper: it looks like we have hole. Percy: Yeah we’ve got a dam hole! (LOL-ing) Piper: What! Percy: Inside joke. (still LOL-ing) Piper: Whatever.

Well, you’re going to—on endless repeat until you start talking.

When I shoot, the ball bounces hard against the backboard, and flies wildly through the air, knocking the coach in the head. I slap a hand over my mouth. The coach barely catches herself from...

Any fool can masturbate, but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

I was nearly unnerved at my proximity to a nameless thing at the bottom of a pit.

When I’m in yoga class, and I’m in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I’m the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two...

Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.

While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: “To —-, with esteem,...

Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what’s more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

Once upon a time she had liked to dance. When she had been about the same age as the little brunette out there who kept lifting her dress up over her head. Now that was...

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

I had a dream about you. I asked you to dance, and you said you already had a partner. That was when I noticed you were embracing a mannequin, and I felt my face get...

So what were your favorite subjects in school?””School?” He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. “Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and...

My gift to you is not what’s in the box—it is the box. Happy Birthday!

They-” He stopped and just blinked at me for a minute. “You know, people are always saying that you’re cuckoo. Looney Tunes. Off the freaking edge. But I tell ’em, no, she’s okay. She’s got...

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means...

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they normally serve.

My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman...

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

I had a dream about you. You thought we had everything we needed—food, water, shelter, and love. But I forgot to tell you that to buy the food, water, and shelter, I sold our love...

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

I don’t care if you live by the motto: let the chips fall where they may, but don’t you dare spill the salsa. Not unless you’re holding it while we’re enjoying romance in motion known...

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being...

Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia’s pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path....

I had a dream about you. I think we made love, but I can’t be certain because the scenes were censored by the Moral Authorities. The thing that pisses me off is my grocery list...

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

He looked the boy up and down as if he had never seen a child before and wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do with one: eat it, ignore it or kick it...

Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.

Pornography was not meant to be looked at. Pornography was meant to be read—on Braille-embossed condoms.

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of...

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father…’ You don’t talk to you friends like that. ‘Ed, Ed, come over,...

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason...