Sence and Sensibility, for instance, came out in three separate volumes, as did Pride and Prejudice (so the next time you read one of the ubiquitous time-travel Austen adaptations and somebody picks up a single-volume...

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher’s slides with the images. The teacher, in...

I’d love to…but only with you.

I am two Jennifers away from making love to an Emily. It always seems like two people with one name are constantly standing in the way of my dreams. I wish they’d step aside so...

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

I couldn’t be a doctor. I have no patience for patients, like I do silly puns. But I could be a barista, because I love coffee like I love sex—and that’s why I pay for...

After the group vet appointment–during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room–we went back to Sabrina’s and re-released the cats to their...

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is...

(Sadie)”I’m not judging you, Dylan. I love vampire movies. If I looked surprised it was only because it’s so different from your TV work, that’s all.”His shoulders relaxed a notch. “Sorry. Olly gives me a...

Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

The guards had asked the Doctor to please wait in the hallway until Mr McCavity had time to see him. So it seemed only polite, the Doctor thought, to wait until they had gone before...

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his...

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

Someone ought to be rude to him. He’s rude enough to everyone else.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

Baby toys were left at my door. Either someone’s trying to get my attention, or I have the attention span of an infant.

Had Stella been named anything else, and/or had we lived in any other city besides New Orleans, my desperate call would have been just my desperate call. In that alternate universe the neighbors might have...

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is...

Everyone should be comfy during the apocalypse.

The Universe has a great sense of humor and will often use it as a way to get our attention and reconnect us to our Divine Self.

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

I thought you were just typical teenagers.”No one has ever called me typical. I can’t say I like it.

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

What’s that you mutter to yourself, Matthew Maule?” asked Scicpio. “And what for do you look so black at me?””No matter, darky,” said the carpenter. “Do you think nobody is to look black but yourself?

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people—

In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.

Two puzzles that cannot be solved: The miracle of birth and misery of death.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that ifyou release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to...

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play – easy to read but difficult to interpret.

Three lights should be fine.” – Zachary”Aye, well if it wis me, I’d want a bloody lighthoose beacon comin’ oot o’ my arse.” – True MacDonald

I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.

My family would never bother with something so insignificant as job experience. I’m sure they started the interview by asking what her favoritecolor was.

There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking

My acupuncturist once told me that it doesn’t have to hurt to work. She might have meant the needles, but I think she really meant love.

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!”Talk?’ He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. ‘We...

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive – for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard’s sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong’s mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion...

A cavalryman’s horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.

Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.

Kyo: Of course, I’ll beat YOU, too!Yuki: Don’t you ever get tired of saying that?Kyo: Beating you is my vocation! It’s my goal in life!Yuki: It’s so unfair that I keep having to take abuse...

I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.

I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach...

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved...