Fenworth nodded. “Yes, yes. Urgent, deadly, insidious. The world is in peril and we must rise against evil.” The old wizard released the general and patted him on the shoulder. “Tea and cake first, don’t...

Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who’ll get one.

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It’s like he was raised by giraffes or something.

I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.

[My mom’s] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it’s her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.

It may be escapist, but if I have a choice between watching the news or reading a book which gets me to see the world through different eyes, I will always choose the latter!

The massive lump of flesh that has created you, me, and maybe, animals, everything that has life will forever live.

Dear Miss Tremor. You are smart and kind and pretty. I think you have really excellent stuff under your clothes and I would like to see it, please. Let’s go on a date and get...

In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.

Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy? “I try very hard to be annoying,” Leo said. “Don’t insult my ability...

Most Wanted.” It’s good to be desired. I’d be honored to be shot at for a large reward, or a small cup of coffee.

Today the same thing over. I’ve got it up the tree again.

The only ironic thing about that song is that it’s called ‘Ironic’ and it is written by a woman who doesn’t know what irony is. That’s quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis...

I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the politicians talk, all I hear is them breaking wind through their mouths.

People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn’t explain how. She didn’t really want to know.

Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a lot more chin-ups done this way.

You don’t buy all the clothes in the market. You choose slowly and carefully, asking the prices for each before buying. The same way you choose your friends, by looking into their lives carefully, before...

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Too much much is a dangerous thing. But not as dangerous as danger itself.

Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn’t have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children.

Second place is twice as good as first place, when you’re competing to put another person first. Losers make the best lovers.

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

I was born in 1982. That’s like 1984, except not so dystopian.

I know what ails you.

This was a lucky recollection — it saved her from something like regret.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!

There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the 90s. I was one of them, though mine was just a fender bender and I left before the cops showed up.

To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe… but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

Flowers smell terrific, but how do they sound? If they sound like your love life, then you’ve got to take your Helen Keller Goggles off.

I think I’ll help myself to seconds.

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: ‘So You Think...

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you’ve never noticed, the dead are always on time.

A book called Life of Silence would get everyone talking. I should write it, using invisible ink. Or to really make it see-through, I should hire a ghostwriter.

They can’t tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

I love Ocala. I also love anal sex with midgets. I mean I would, if I were an averagely perverted politician.

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

The bonds of friendship dwindle with age, Oliver. But a little blackmail lasts forever.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

My password is lovehate. I love it. And I hate it.

Les gens bien portants sont des malades qui s’ignorent.

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget.

Your husband may not be a wealth of pregnancy information, but he is a wealth of ‘you’ information. He probably knows you better than anyone else in this world (which means he understands your current...