Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he’d left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

That’s it, Uncle Huey!” Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. “I quit!” If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

That demon will trick you faster than a politician with a liquor license.

Peace be with you,” I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, “and asskicking be with me.

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?

I do not,” I felt oddly appalled by her statement. “I’m an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old...

I’d lick the water out of your bathtub, just to prove I love you—and that I’m not a cat.

Magda was reading a book by a Trappist, in a better mood, and I was sitting on the edge of the bed, fingering my useless map.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

Are you okay? You seem …soggy.””Soggy?””Yes.” Heather nodded. “Like you’re a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn’t his first, and wouldn’t be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he...

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man!

I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

Nice to meet you, Dick,” Drew retorted.

I had a dream about you, and in the dream you were dreaming of me. We were meant for each other subconsciously.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted...

When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.

She ought to be thrilled.

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by...

I will protect you,” she promised the Bosendorfer inside. “I won’t let you down.”Sophie gave her a quizzical look.”Bastards better not hurt my piano,” Miranda replied.”That’s what you’re worried about right now? What about your...

If you make some comment even obliquely alluding to menstruation or menopause and its effect on my judgment,” Murphy interrupted, “I will break your arm in eleven places.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

Non mi piacciono i matrimoni combinati. Ci sono sbagli dei quali non bisognerebbe mai poter incolpare i propri poveri genitori.

Vanity might be a “sin” according to some lights, but he thought in measured doses it was one of life’s allowable simple pleasures. It helped everyone get through their days.

In some stories, it’s easy. The moral of “The Three Bears,” for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.” The moral of “Snow White” is “Never eat apples.” The moral of World War One...

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren’t even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were “really there”.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

When I pass the bar, you’ll be barred from bars but put behind them.

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily...

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?

Don’t you know it?

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

You don’t find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me…what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles