The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than diminishes intellectual vigor and spiritual fulfillment, the notion that in the eyes of the gods the tight-lipped hero and the wet-cheeked...

Terror was the key, of course, for there’s a fine line between paralyzing dread and galvanizing fright.

For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

I love public speakers who give moving speeches—particularly if they bring boxes, packing tape, and dollies. The last local politician I heard speak was so moving that I took up residence in a new county.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

As my mom used to say,”If wishes were horses, we’d be up to our eyeballs in shit.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Rainier” A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be...

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt...

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

You can’t drive them around in the getaway van.’ ‘How about we don’t call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.’ ‘So what should we call it?’ ‘How about the van?’ ‘It doesn’t change...

Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!

The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18. Then try running for political office.

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my...

Wit is educated insolence.

You think I’d cheat on you?” I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.”With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

I always carry around a spade, because I never know when I’ll have to dig my own grave—slowly. Give me coffee or give me death. Or sleep.

I had a dream about you. The setting was upsetting. We were in hell where I was a prisoner and you were a guard. You reported directly to Satan, who reported directly to Congress.

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”, then a voice answers “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

Whether you think you’re right or you think you’re wrong. You’re right.””If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint.

Ow! My brains!

Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.

Sillman looked at his interrogator with hopeless eyes. ‘I think while I was passed out, I dreamed about my mom’s gingerbread cookies. Maybe the guy who knocked on the glass was eatin’ one.’ ‘Mm,’ said...

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I’m taking a break from it tonight. I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.

I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!” said Fili. “My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is...

Because my family has no money, I’ve decided to become a prostitute. That’s right, I’m going into politics.

WINE!Because these problems aren’t going to forget THEMSELVES!

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

There they were, the movers and shakers of Benjamin Franklin Hight – the sports stars, the cheerleaders, the good, the great, the gorgeous – bent over their pizzas.Trish sensed my angst and said, “My mother...

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp....

Yeah, I toss trash out of my car onto the road. But I do it for the good of the economy, because by littering I’m literally creating jobs for garbage collection agencies.

I’m going on a diet. (Crud, I know)I am going to be cranky. I am going to be irritable.I am going to be moody and sad and mean. And, yes, I am going to be hungry. Please don’t...

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to...

My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.

If I could go back in time, I’d love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh’s ear, but not while it was attached to his head.

Really, for all the poetry in the world on the subject, when you get right down to it, it’s mostly just boom! penis vagina.

Baumauer has been lured into the exhausting habit of supplying Kalist with ever more exceptional quality work just to appease him and often survives all day and all evening without food, but Maxwell D. Kalist...

Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.

At least that left hope for him. Except “Beauty and the Geek” wasn’t exactly the proper translation of the popular fairy tale.

Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

Würde man Rooney als metrosexuell bezeichnen, würde er sich wohl zuerst verwundert am Quadratschädel kratzen und dann vorsichtshalber zuschlagen.

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.