Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police – preferably in writing.

The great thing about the Internet isn’t that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply...

I like TV shows that motivate me to want to improve my life, as I sit listless on the sofa hour after hour, night after night. My desire to self-actualize grows with my waistline. If...

YOU’RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said.That’s what being alive is all about.

If I could get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in...

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: “What the heck is going on down there?

Hi there,” squeaked a precocious little voice, “you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone.

Your pants didn’t get smaller, Mommy,” I assured her. “Your butt got bigger.

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Peter! Were you looking for a horse-shoe?””No; I was expecting the horse, but the shoe is a piece of pure, gorgeous luck.””And observation. I found it.””You did. And I could kiss you for it. You...

To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given...

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

I bet she likes it hard, from behind, probably likes to get spanked too. I mean, just look at her, she has a serious come-fuck-me-face.

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler’s neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for...

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Yes! I’m me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don’t understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books...

The baloney weighed the raven down, and the shopkeeper almost caught him as he whisked out the delicatessen door.

How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.

What’s a Dullahan?”He’s a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.”Headless?”Yes.”Seriously?”Yes.”So he has no head?”That’s usually what headless means.”No head at all?”You’re really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren’t you?”It’s just kind...

I might be half Derek’s size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.

I make love like farm equipment—not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can’t tell it.

In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be ‘and,’ ‘the,’ and ‘I,’ and ‘it,’ and so on, and there’s a huge number to choose from, so a lot...

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks like me, but I won’t vote for him, because I always vote for...

I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

So nobody got time for people who aren’t worth your time.

Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let the world know you’re serious.

This is a lovely party,” said the Bursar to a chair, “I wish I was here.

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

I hate when a manager falls in love with an employee. Well, if she won’t date me, I just won’t put her on the schedule. If she won’t give me the time of day, I...

Lecture’s over.