They can’t tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

The easiest way to hide your gold is to disguise it as Spanish bullion and store it on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards

You just noticed? You’re slow…

Les gens bien portants sont des malades qui s’ignorent.

Bercelak’s kin kept themselves busy by sharpening weapons, reading, talking, or setting things on fire with small bursts of flame.

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.

Your husband may not be a wealth of pregnancy information, but he is a wealth of ‘you’ information. He probably knows you better than anyone else in this world (which means he understands your current...

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

If humor and rumor are needed more than faith and truth, then it tells me something about the kind of world we live today.

What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?

I’ll give you the key to my heart, if you promise not to make duplicates.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn’t get mad at a golden retriever.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.

The truth about life is complicated, indefensible and embarrassing.

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than diminishes intellectual vigor and spiritual fulfillment, the notion that in the eyes of the gods the tight-lipped hero and the wet-cheeked...

If I ever form a clan, we’ll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.

How is that . . .” Braith shook her head. She wouldn’t go from arguing with one idiot to arguing with three.

I’d rather be me being me than me trying to be my own clone. I try to stay true to who I am as a person, not a genetically modified being.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

I love the world, just, you know…not the people in it.

This book is written with an open mind and it should be read with the same

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people who encounter letters on a daily basis in math equations, not romantic poetry.

Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought, Finally, she’s realized she’s a vampire. Now we’re getting somewhere. But now you’re just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth.

My first coaching experience led to a 77-0 defeat. But that’s not so bad, considering I taught the team one important thing: the value of cheating.

WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).

Hey,” said Shadow. “Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are.” The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.”Say ‘Nevermore,'” said Shadow.”Fuck you,” said the raven.

All men that are ruined are ruined on the side of their natural propensities,” the note concludes.This is surely true. Yet the vivacity with which he embraces ruin is unexampled, in my experience.

Her name is Angela, though she’s no angel. Dad, I can’t believe she replenishes us.

Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things...

My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Shut up, idiot.

Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I’ll call you too, because...

My side felt a lot better when Nora called me at noon the next day. “My nice policeman wants to see you,” she said. “How do you feel?””Terrible. I must’ve gone to bed sober.” I...

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

It’s not easy to run in such a way that makes it look like you’re walking.

Poirot,” I said. “I have been thinking.””An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.

I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.

If I look like I haven’t slept for eight hours, it’s because I haven’t. Oh, I wasn’t up all night. I slept 7:45 hours.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Jacksonville welcomed the World Golf Hall of Fame with open arms and wallets in 1998. If you’re not familiar with golf, it’s a sport where you swing a stick at a ball, like baseball in...