We kings do develop a certain ability to recognize objects under our noses.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

I’d tell you nice try, but… it wasn’t.

I’m a mother,” said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, “and I know what I know.

A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a...

Lucifer, how, after a dozen millennia in Hell, could you possibly lose your way?” the Devil asked incredulously. “Well,” the lesser demon began, “It is a rather large place…

Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.

No matter which sex I went to bed with, I never smoked on the street

I aspire to pick up that piece of paper that fell on the floor.” Either pick it up or don’t. I don’t want to hear about how your diaper’s full. Take it off or stop...

They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.

If you need help bark like a dog.” – Gendry. “That’s stupid. If I need help I’ll shout help.” – Arya

These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I’m going to use the name of a famous American poet:’You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna St. Vincent Millay! Go Emily Dickinson your mom!”Thanks...

But I don’t have a crush on her!

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.

In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.

I had a dream about you. You wore all yellow and I wore all blue, and together we were trying to make the world a little greener. Not through sex, as I wanted, but through...

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right?...

As for hearing, the sloth is not so much deaf as uninterested in sound.

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?””What’s the point of that, Miss?” the waiter said.”Tomorrow morning,” Mabel said.

See, this is what the United States of America is all about.You can wrestle a thousand bears and chew on a billion knives but in the end, you are only as good as the dude...

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the...

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

somehow people forget that there is God….what more to us we’re just individuals,,to forget is part of imperfections..

Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.

Ellen’s life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman’s lot. It was a man’s world, and she...

„…And he doesn’t like you to call him Mr. McStabby, you know.””Have you ever seen him cutting up that meat? He is like an artist with slicing. And that knife is as long as my...

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

But…he’s a demon. Isn’t that sort of the main category of Things to Smite?

The pursuit of historical relevance is an under appreciated endeavor.

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

You couldn’t be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

I felt very close to God…. My friends say that’s because I was always on my knees.

More than anything.” Rob persisted. “You’d crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy.

I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest...

Ego is the world’s worst narcotic

wouldn’t you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?’As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first...

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

You wouldn’t think that people would believe that we all got so incredibly beat up—in so many interesting ways—from a bear attack. Especially not when Carmel is sporting a bite mark that is a spot-on...