I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one’s better in bed.

Bett didn’t have any siblings because she said her father had preserved what was dead for too long to be able to create life. When Bet was younger and had begged for one, her father...

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.

Miro, I’m so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect and . . . now I...

I had a dream I was able to fly now I have chained my bead to the ground. I like walking dreams better.

I don’t mind foreigners. God save the queen!” he squeaked and ran.

And it’s really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people...

All Bach’s last movements are like the running of a sewing machine. (on Bach)

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?

Check the couch cushions for change—and hope. I drink my coffee raw, straight out of the ketchup bottle.

Don’t get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge

No matter what argument you make against evolution, the response is Well, you know, it’s possible to believe in evolution and believe in God. Yes, and it’s possible to believe in Spiderman and believe in...

MMMMugger, you nitwit.” He made m-m-m-m noises with his lips.

In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that’s logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.

Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.Cat to Bones

When Eve upon the first of MenThe apple press’d with specious cant,Oh! what a thousand pities thenThat Adam was not adamant!

A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious. Some of my thoughts can be quite windy, gusts with gusto, like a...

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks,” chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.

I had the most boring office job in the world…I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.

Before there was an American Story, before Paterson spread before Oscar and Lola like a dream, or the trumpets from the Island of our eviction had even sounded, there was their mother, Hypatia Belicia Cabral:...

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.

You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.

Do you ever think about the ocean?” Nick asked me.”What about it?” I said.”Like what could live down there? Like how there’s as much life down there as up here? Maybe more?””God Lives Underwater,” said...

Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

How do you express a skinny blonde werewolf and a former toad in a cake?

I grunted. It’s something I picked up over a fifteen-year career in law enforcement. Men have managed to create a complex and utterly impenetrable secret language consisting of monosyllabic sounds and partial words—and they are...

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife

Q: You’er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw...

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

I’m doing boy detox. Like a diet, only for my emotional health.

All lines are gray in the dark.

I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.

I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.

Here’s to another year and let’s hope it’s above ground.

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?

We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.

Zombies are the middle children of the otherworldly family. Vampires are the oldest brother who gets to have a room in the attic, all tripped out with a disco ball and shag carpet. Werewolves are...