What’s this about?””Finally. Interest,” was the only response.”If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly...

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

It’s perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I’m an exceptional person. Oh, don’t think I’m boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I’m exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can’t live by the rules....

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

Uh, yeah – how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me.

Cops, I’ve learned, are like vampires; they can’t come in unless you invite them.

I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it’s no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

Susan had told him once that bravery was when you wanted to pee your pants, but you kept fighting

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

Do you really expect me to fall apart every time another woman throws herself at you? Because, if that’s so, I’ll be a nervous wreck before the honeymoon’s over. Although, if they do it in...

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands...

…there is a celebrated aphorism insisting that the best way to live is to ‘work like you don’t need the money, dance like nobody is watching, and love like you’ve never been hurt.’…After years of...

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.’I was trying to make up the sofa bed so you could get some rest,’ he explained, and pointed to...

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

Since my trips to Earth, I’ve only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese’s, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got...

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?

The culture without children is forever immature, self-obsessed and rightous. They cannot help the high opinion they have of themselves; there’s no kids around to show them otherwise.

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.

Writer’s block is just a symptom of feeling like you have nothing to say, combined with the rather weird idea that you should feel the need to say something. Why? If you have something to...

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

Now, I have nothing against the public school system as it is presently organized, once you allow the humor of its basic assumption about how it is possible to teach things to children….

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all...

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

Number eight of the ten Amazon commandments: never fight an opponent face-to-face if you couldn’t defeat him. Wait and stab him in the back later.

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored.

Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.

If the story-tellers could ha’ got decency and good morals from true stories, who’d have troubled to invent parables?

It’s about time! It’s supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

So many trees, so few chimneys.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

I like make-up sex. My imagination is so much more powerful than reality that it’s just better when I make it up.

Jesca returned the smile. ‘You are a brave one–or perhaps foolhardy.”Difficult to tell,’ Cope said cheerily.

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with...

When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

Aujourd’hui, on cherche partout à répandre le savoir; qui sait si, dans quelques siècles, il n’y aura pas des universités pour rétablir l’ancienne ignorance?

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

fruited plains,” whatever the hell that means. I mean, America isn’t a place, it’s an ideal. It could happen in the Sahara Desert and still be America. For that matter, I’m the child of immigrants....

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . ....