Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold.

I prefer the light approach because I believe there is a great deal of false reverence about.

Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired how her green Starbucks apron matched her bright green eyes. She had hair...

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

He walked straight out of college into the waiting arms of the Navy. They gave him an intelligence test. The first question on the math part had to do with boats on a river: Port...

Today I will masterbate!Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.

We have our own language. Christianese… We don’t say ‘He’s out of his mind,’ no, we say ‘That’s our youth pastor.

Hearts can’t be broken because they’re made of marzipan.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

Oh Blimey O‘Reilly’s pantyhose…what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.What light doth through yonder window break?It’s the bloody moon, for God’s sake,...

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there’s someone else to do the housework.

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

Unpaid internships are worse than slavery,” Gabby said. I looked at her, unsure of what she meant. “They make us work ridiculous hours, for free, and they make us do things an employee would do....

I always find that if I sit down, a solution presents itself!

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

I came into the room, which was half dark, and presently spotted Lord Kelvin in the audience and realised that I was in for trouble at the last part of my speech dealing with the...

It’s my experience that you first feel the impulse to write in your chest. It’s like falling in love, only more so. It feels like something criminal. It feels like unspeakably wild sex. So, think:...

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

If your leg is in a cast, it’s really dumb to sit in front of your computer doing unnecessary stuff with it hanging down. Your leg will swell and heal slower, if at all. When...

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Is this bitch crazy? I don’t want to ‘accidentally’ drown

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

Like the dancing.

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: ‘Who’s the third?

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.

Caitlyn (telling a story of her friend): So. [She] grew up and left Neverland for the distant planet called College…And made a bunch of new friends. So. There was the one guy who was there...

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns...

I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

I’m going crazy, Louis thought wonderingly. Wheeeeee!

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come’Lincolnesque’ just means tall?

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn’t exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

As an actress, or actr-ish, I’m jealous of everyone, regardless of gender or age. Sometimes parents will ask me how they go about getting their kids into acting, and my first thought is never, Oh,...

Watch it, loincloth, I’m not afraid to spork your eyes out.