Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying,...

I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.

(About a cookbook…)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor…but they ends up Tarts.

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God’s boss.

Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!

Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.

Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or maybe three smiles and a frown, shared between two parents, their child, and...

Your boss loves your ideas … it’s you he doesn’t care about.

On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.

No person of quality ever remembers social restrictions save when considering how most piquantly to break them.

He had had much experience of physicians, and said ‘the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not’.

He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.

People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as “Is this the laundry?” “How do you spell surreptitious?” and, on a regular...

You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for businessThat’s why they’re called business socksIt’s business, it’s business time

Lem glowered. “Your lion friends ride into some village, take all the food and every coin they find, and call it foraging. the wolves as well, so why not us? no one robbed you, dog....

I had been to school most all the time, and could spell, and read, and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don’t...

I started out of course with Hemingway when I learned how to write. Until I realized Hemingway doesn’t have a sense of humor. He never has anything funny in his stories.

Real estate is the best investment on earth, however, when the music stops playing, which happens occasionally, don’t be the one left without a chair.

The spells are made up. I have met people who assure me, very seriously, that they are trying to do them, and I can assure them, just as seriously, that they don’t work.

I once had a dream and then I told my friend he is such a dick his name is Richard.

Nous esperons que notre grand-père vivra encore longtemps.

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren’t two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what...

At last the magic caught, and she managed to vault clumsily onto it before it trundled into the night sky as gracefully as a duck with one wing missing.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

Mermon’s tiny black dot eyes managed to widen into larger black dots. “No, no, no, Sir. I was just… curious.” “Curiosity is a good thing, like onion soup. But too much onion soup makes you...

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify...

Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.

I take very few people seriously, and I’m not one of them.

I don’t understand humans.” Caradoc shook his head. “It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect...

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.

A brick is……… Well it’s a bloody brick what more do you want from me?

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don’t look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma’am.””Sit up. Arf,” I teased.”What about her?”...

How well I know you by your deeds and how invariably you succeed in living down to what one expects of you!

Your ass is mine.

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.