I didn’t make two mistakes all day yesterday. I just made one long one that lasted 24 hours.

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.

Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving.

We did make use, from time to time, of candles, neckties, scarves, shoelaces, a little water-color paintbrush, her hairbrush, butter, whipped cream, strawberry jam, Johnson’s Baby Oil, my Swedish hand vibrator, a fascinating bead necklace...

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.

It’s awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

Bite me, Harry Potter.

Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me.

My parents didn’t grow up here or anything. They chose to live in this nowhere town. Why? Because it was named after Hannibal of Carthage. Their basic train of thought was this: Hannibal’s Rest? And...

Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once?” Casey contemplated Alexa’s warning, recognizing it for what it was.

First rule of thievery,’ Eli said, grinning, ‘only run if you’re not coming back.’ (…) ‘First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.’ Miranda rolled her eyes. ‘How many ‘first rules’ of thievery...

Yeah, it’s just me and my trash can here,” as I patted its lid and started pushing it up the driveway.

Statues look like people, but people shouldn’t act like statues—you know, be set in their ways like stone. I make love like a sculptor paints, minus the wine, plus the grape juice. Suck me like...

You’re walking funny,” Lucy said, a shit-eating grin on her face. Five days of out of this world sex with a starving man could do that to a girl.”You’re just jealous.” Brenna pushed through the...

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?””I give.””You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there’s...

Another family crisis: The rabbit goes blind.

What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that’s even worse

Keep driving,” said a soft voice in my ear. “She will not bite if you keep driving.”Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour...

You’ll like it less when you hear what they’ve been building. It’s a big raised platform at the end of the square about two metres above the ground, with steps running up to it.”Like a...

Going down my list of notable women in my life, we come to Y. Y for Yolanda, and as you might have prophetically foretold, we met at the Y (YMCA). She looked like a beaver,...

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.

The termination; final chapter of endless road.

Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?!...

Some folks rail against other folks, because other folks have what some folks would be glad of.

Felicity,” Mrs. Featherington interurupted, “why don’t you tell Mr. Brdgerton about your watercolors?”For the life of him, Colin couldn’t imagine a less interesting topic (except maybe for Phillipa’s watercolors), but he nonetheless turned to the...

Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t...

LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN...

As an Odd-Fish, it is not my job to be right,’ said Sir Oort. ‘It is my job to be wrong in new and exciting ways.

I’ve learned to let my characters speak and act the way they want to! I’ve tried to interfere but they just get angry at me and throw big rocks.

A black-haired bitch with man’s hands, widow Liza Van der Bruggenziltch-Finch makes all the important decisions. She is a power-hungry dominatrix. Orwell is her slave. (No one ever sees him.)

I had a dream about you. My office was a closet, and your office was a huge fur factory. I wanted a raise, and you got the elevator.

he is your special friend.

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

A punching bag. The guy was pounding on a punching bag. That realization took about a nanosecond to register in her brain before the real important information came to the forefront: LoriSue, God bless her...

I love to pull at people’s heart strings, but I’m no Nicholas Sparks.

I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.

Roger said, ‘I don’t know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?’Sophie rolled her eyes. ‘How original. No, I’m not analyzing you. It’d take a whole team of...

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

Everybody’s drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS!

A friend asks, “Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship.” Another friend says, “LISTEN!

Nothing spells trouble like two drunk cowboys with a rocket launcher.

I had a dream about you. You wrapped the American flag around you like a towel, while I let Russia shower me with praise. The people over there really seemed to love me, probably because...

Before I had kids, I always found it funny how people would talk about their children like they were the cutest things on the planet and how every little thing they did was endlessly fascinating....

You are dead. It just hasn’t occurred to you yet.

I’m not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on today.