I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian!

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

‎No people whose word for ‘yesterday’ is the same as their word for ‘tomorrow’ can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan that looks like green hard candy pieces, about the size of Smarties, and...

Also retains value longer.”Knowing the sexual perversity about to transpire, I couldn’t reconcile that I was suddenly in an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Granted, I didn’t know from normal pre–group sex discussion topics,...

I have to return some videotapes

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

It wasn’t the first time he’d run for his life. And it most likely wouldnot be the last. In the past few decades, though, he’d mostly run fromangry fathers who’d found him where they felt...

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

gratitudenoun ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd 1. The word thrown in your face by people who covet what you want and believe that your lack of contentment is a sin. Often, these people believe success is what you...

So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

His manhood sways briefly, then comes to a standstill.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

Awww,” Minho said. “That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but “Be...

But one look at Wildcard’s face, and he knew there was trouble. Problem? he signaled.Wildcard responded with an obscene gesture that more than conveyed his opinion that not only was this a problem, but it...

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to...

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, “You can do this. You’ve got what it takes.” The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

I’m quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell.

One moment I was sitting in your ship feeling very depressed, and the next moment I was standing here feeling utterly miserable. An Improbability Field I expect.

A bartender is a Keeper of Secrets. Drunk, senseless, useless secrets.

Perdida ya toda esperanza de alcanzar una vida mejor en este mundo, la gente fue depositando cada vez más sus esperanzas en la vida del más allá, y la idea de obtener recompensas en el...

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

Why would I ask you that?

Of course, you didn’t want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!

Love is a four-letter word, like frog, only with more kissing and less princing.

To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.

Nonsense! I have merely come to terms with the fact that I am perfect, and I have decided life must go on, and I must learn to live with myself…

He has long hair like a woman,” one of Sigmar’s sons blathered

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this...

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet...

A rose symbolizes my love for you, because it’s dying.

You can’t jump for the stars if your feet hurt. And when you get where you’re going, you darn well better look great!

Not again, Draper,” Frank sighed. “You’re not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the Government does even more poorly than provide healthcare is secure its borders.

Perhaps it is a good thing that we don’t live long enough to realize how redundant things seem 🙂

I can chase you, and I can catch you,but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.

…inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to...

It’s nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in the men’s bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for...

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.