If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed to relieve yourself out of the former then you’ve become too full of...

Cages are good. My heart is in my rib cage, and love is in my heart. We should put more things in cages, like politicians.

Where are you from? New York?””Weird you picked up on that,” she said, “I’ve been gone from there for so long.”Like a couple of decades could dilute that accent.

Sir Eustace was with Royce and Stefan looking over some maps when he was informed by the guard that the ladies were asking for him. “Is there no end to her arrogance!” Royce bit out,...

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I bought it and threw it away. Why? Because I paid for it. The only thing better would be if taxpayers purchased it. I should be a politician.

Life is like a DVR recording. The story goes on, but you cannot see it until you fast forward through the commercials

See. I told you I would get that boy to the alter eventually. All I had to do was pretend I was a loon.

I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.

Ah, dear Reader, is there a married man living who hasn’t purged his drawers and closets of premarital memorabilia, only to have one more incriminating relic from yester-life rear its lovely head? Kristy contends that...

Buy the town, and rent the politician. Politicians are refillable, like empty cups of coffee.

Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.

Phoebe doesn’t quite believe in fate the way I do. She says you have to chase your destiny, and she always expects life to be like a romantic comedy: all you have to do is...

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

I had a dream about you coming up with non sequiturs. You were a purple giraffe and I was an orange rhino. But we were eating liquid skittles.

I had a dream about you. We were both surrounded by poor people, but there was one big difference—I was poor, but you were rich. That’s why I was shocked when you tried to rob...

(This is from me: I found this and I’m dying I apologize for any non-Supernatural fans out there but omg the fandom must read this.)Dean: Dad, this is Cas.John: I’m not working with any other...

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.

The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone...

I hate cold-calling. I like my phone calls warm, like meatloaf.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

There is no greater torture than being forced to watch as your love, your reason for living, breathing, and existing, sinks into oblivion. Your heart stops no matter how you try to get to her,...

We were young and in love. Well, at least I was young. I was fourteen and she was ninety-four. She tried to act like she never remembered we were dating, probably due to her dementia.

Carlos: So, what, were they psychos, or… Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck...

I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.

What I’m mostly good at is sleeping, he once told me in confidence, but he added, I don’t see much future in it.

1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living...

I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.

Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

All You Need Is Love” in homage to their memory.

Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.

Afterward, there was some debate as to whether we’d actually “done it properly,” which gives you some idea of the awesome skill and artful dexterity of my lovemaking technique.

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

I’m sorry, but dragons don’t come in pink.

Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I...

Sally laughed. “When you first told me you were interested in Decebel, I honestly thought that there was no way you two would ever work. But man, you are both such freaks, I honestly don’t...

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

A man’s body is like a circus. You can swing off his trapeze arms, lay your head on thighs like fresh-blown balloons while his cock performs tricks, soft to hard, a burst like a cannon...

I had no vote in the making of such a law, and I have no intention of abiding by it, either.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. “That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn–there he is.

An untied shoelace can be dangerous,’ he said.’I could have tripped.’She stared at him. A moment dragged by.’I’m joking,’ he said at last.She relaxed. ‘Really?”Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I’m far too graceful.

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don’t get it: If you’re not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

Can’t say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery.