The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

What are you thinking, Bliss?”I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually thinking of him naked… well, now that I mentioned it I was… damn.

[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: “Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you’ll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He’s just been...

If you are good life is good.

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer’s had brought out her...

Karo kann sehr gut schießen. Sie trifft nur nicht immer.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

I got over shy a really long time ago. I’m queer, I’m feline, get used to it.

Welcome to Arizona, you bastard.

Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought a doorbell.

My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children’s need for parenting.

…first thing is that I love you. And the second thing is that as much as I honor your former profession, I don’t think your geese care much for your betrothed and I hope they...

You mustn’t stand about. Come home with me to dinner.’‘No.’ More shakes his head. ‘I would rather be blown around on the river and go home hungry. If I could trust you only to put...

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

When I masturbate, I pump my hand so fast it’s like a hummingbird blur. But I make love like the anti-hummingbird. In fact, in bed I’m so slow with my love making it’s almost indistinguishable...

Do you ever make silly mistakes? It is one of my very few creative activities.

Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.

Dear God,” said Nudge under her breath, “I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I wantthem to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks...

I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn’t fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?

Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

This is the best night of my life,” Raffy says, crying.”Raffy, half our House has burnt down,” I say wearily. “We don’t have a kitchen.””Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?” she asks....

I told Ersken, “Lately it’s been like living on the knife’s edge, never knowing which side I’ll fall off on”Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. “Cheer up, Beka. Maybe...

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won’t be using them.

If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.

People say everybody has a book inside them, so why not make your life a great story?

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

City people. They may know how to street fight but they don’t know how to wade through manure.

I might be old and ugly now, but you started that way, Jack.

Well, it’s nice to know that the Trolls made it this far south,’ Ulath said. ‘I’d hate to have to go looking for them.”Their Gods were guiding them, Ulath,’ Tynian pointed out.’You’ve never talked with...

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

Flashlights would have been nice. Next adventure, Coralee was going to bring a flashlight.

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

I turn my head so that he doesn’t see my smile and secretly curse him for making me feel special.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

The shirt says; ‘I bite.’ You prick, not ‘I blo

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

‎No people whose word for ‘yesterday’ is the same as their word for ‘tomorrow’ can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.