I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.

Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.

You’ve already got everything you need to succeed right in-front of your tits

I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after...

There’s so much destruction all over the world – and all you can do is complain about ME!

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the...

You’re amazing,” she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. “You too.””How? All I do is let you play me like a piano.”He chuckled. “You’ve got a great keyboard.

When I die I’m donating my body to science, because everybody loves a free buffet.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

In a cube of awesomeness, I am the lemonade of longing. My love has twelve edges, like a pack of razorblades to an edgy suicidal maniac.

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there’s no one I can turn to with this love.

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush...

Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.

[Jack] checked his watch, then returned to studying her back. damn if she didn’t have a nice back, too – smooth, unblemished skin, nicely shaped vertebrae-He pulled himself up short. Nicely shaped vertebrae? Was he...

I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.

Enough of this. Does every conversation with you have to be the director’s cut? Get out of the car.

What we have here is a war—the war of matter and spirit. In the classical era, spirit was in harmony with matter. Matter used to condense spirit. What was unseen—the ghost of Hamlet’s father—was seen—in...

If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

But then, Phillip reminded me of something that happened so long ago, I had completely forgotten it. He reminded of when we were ten, and he gave me my first kiss. We were on the...

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Humility” If you don’t have it, you’re gonna get it.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past.

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

In the long run, a treadmill’s a great investment.

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

He wasn’t my type — my type was more the skinny hipster boys in girl jeans and thick glasses, a.k.a. the first ones to go during the outbreak — but the sight still had me...

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

Right on cue, I figured out the letter that comes after P.

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

I’m a fun hater myself.

I’m a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

I thought you were dead.” Magnus smiled crookedly. “What, from that scratch?” He glanced down at the reddening jacket in Alec’s hand. “Okay, a deep scratch. Like, from a really, really big cat.

I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am...

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either...

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly — something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

People don’t read anymore. And, when they do, they don’t read books like this one, but instead read books that depress them, because those books are seen as important. Somehow, the Librarians have successfully managed...

Run mad as often as you chuse, but do not faint.

I hate the notion of a secret recipe. Recipes are by nature derivative and meant to be shared – that is how they improve, are changed, how new ideas are formed. To stop a recipe...

Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.

A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

I froze, shocked. (And don’t try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)

A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.

The HAPPIEST people don’t have the BEST of everything… They just drink WINE.