You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.

I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I’d seen Clint...

I like remembering her as she was—a fantasy of the future.

I’m friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I’m 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

assed” in places where it doesn’t even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours.For dessert, you asked for...

The only woman I’d want to go on a blind date with is Helen Keller. Maybe we could meet for coffee and I could listen while she doesn’t all the talking.

A fat cow needs a big barn.

I had a dream about you. You smiled at me, and I blushed like a red rose. Then you started sniffing my cheeks and I realized you were a bee and I’d been deceived.

breaking your heart” a new meaning.

Don’t make me cover your face with a pillow until you see my side of things.””Isn’t that called murder?

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law.

I don’t know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous.

I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her locked in the dungeon of my heart.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion is fruit.

Well finish your story anyway.”Where was I?”The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses.”Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to...

It is not the destination where you end up but the mishaps and memories you create along the way!

I may be crazy, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I’m mad but not ill.

We’re going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.

He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend...

That’s it? That’s all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?” Marshall smirked. “Woe is me.

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.

There’s only one way of escaping trouble; and that’s killing things.” Henry Higgins, Act V, Pygmalion

The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.

The slang for the rectum is “prison wallet”.

Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The rusty can is all my father left me when he left us to...

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, ‘She’s on her way– tell everyone.’ It took me only three seconds to wind through the...

I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says. “Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all...

It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I found out I was abandoned as a baby, so they weren’t my real...

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

Do not share your thoughts with people who think that what you are thinking is not worth thinking.

I do not know if love lead to success but I know that hate dose, it is really work out .

Um, uh, gah.

I found out who my real dad is on Facebook. I also found out who he isn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he isn’t.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg’s length, right below the knee.

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I’ve been struck by horny lightning.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

Let’s start a new family.