Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world. Other times it feels like the world is on top of me.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

Inside the room there sat a rocker, which she sat on, and which had rocked her while she sipped the beer, because in spite of herself she had become so giddy to have so quickly...

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

Why can’t these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious...

The police, finding a corpse with twenty-eight stab wounds in a bathtub, suspected foul play.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he’s got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.

Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

How did you get in here?’ (…) ‘How I got here isn’t important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

To help you. You keep forgetting that part.

Never send a Man in to do a Donkey’s job

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

meatloaf” you’ll be serving them.

The map may not be the territory, but if the theory of a 2-dimensional holographic universe is confirmed, it means the territory is a map.

I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. “I doubt you have the capacity.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

I can see that.

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you have somebody they just HAVE to meet.

Indie band names would make better song titles; indie song titles would make better band names.

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

Do you remember what I forgot?

Another night then,’ Mom said. ‘Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.’ ‘Or,’ I said turning to Rafe, ‘if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event...

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

Our time together was a blur—not because I was drunk, which I was, but because our love was like the beating of a hummingbird’s wings.

Is the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?

A women can run, hide, play and have fun but she will shine far better when she just smiles without none.

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

The slow-witted one that’s been following you? I thought hewas your servant.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or...

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I...

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.

Secret 12916062. Dress to impress, assess, access, possess, and egress.

What, because I said she had a sweet little butt? You don’t think she does? Hard to believe, since you spend so much time staring at it.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

The sergeants are shunted forward and they blink and stare up at Gonzo as he leans on the edge of his giant mixing bowl. MacArthur never addressed his troops from a mixing bowl–not even one...

Where are you from? New York?””Weird you picked up on that,” she said, “I’ve been gone from there for so long.”Like a couple of decades could dilute that accent.

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.