I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can… and WINE to help me accept the things I can’t!

Our nannas are losers.

College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?

I looked down at the brochure nearest me.”We’re going to Nigeria,” I threatened. “I hope you like elephant polo.” -Liberty Jones

What’s it like being drunk? Like being awake and asleep at the same time.

On the other hand, when you grow up you will discover that some of the people in this world never passed beyond the stage of the cave-man.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

Gran follows recipes by looking at picture—to the eye, delicious; to the tongue, boiled socks. Makes you wanna cry really.

Calculus was not math. It was a fucking science experiment gone wrong.

A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored.

I think you learn more if you’re laughing at the same time.

On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth was still flat, and people dreamed often of falling over edges.

I have the superhero gift of invisibility. I must be invisible, because the woman I love doesn’t see me. I might as well be into Helen Keller.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.

People who say, ‘Let the chips fall where they may,’ usually figure they will not be hit by a chip.

I had a dream about you. Too many people died that day for us to talk about love. But through the stench of rotting corpses, all I could think about was how beautiful you were...

I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don’t know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet, because I don’t...

I mean, wha comfort does pretendin to be a Buddhist or wharrever give him? What’s wrong with pretendin to be a Catholic like the rest of us?

We couldn’t make love, unfortunately, because she was dead. I didn’t kill her, if that’s what you’re wondering. She died long before I was born, and that’s probably the biggest mistake of my life.

The reason I rob nursing homes is because the residents in nurseries don’t have any wealth yet to steal. How can I steal from babies? What do you think I am, a Central Banker?

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

My ‘people skills’ are ‘rusty.’ Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

…I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.’What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.’Employers sense in me a denial of their values.’ He rolled over onto his back....

You may be dying, but I’m going to have a picnic and enjoy this glorious day. I won’t let your impending death spoil my afternoon.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

Surely this marked a new level of achievement in his amatory career. Never before had he charmed the frock off a woman with talk of mathematics. Never before would he have thought to try.

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent with our kind of life. But essentially the same laws and constants are...

The Cloud”, because honestly, reading and rainy days go together like peanut butter and umbrellas.

I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win.

Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying,...

Would a boring machine drill holes—or put you to sleep? I make love like a robot, so maybe I do both.

Laughter isn’t a sign of insanity but a shield against it.

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning…look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God’s boss.

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.’Ah, well, I’m not sure I believe that.

(on the word “fuck”)’Oh, come on, Mum,’ I sighed at her protest. ‘It’s just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female organ which has been adopted by an inherently misogynist language as a negative epithet....

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

No person of quality ever remembers social restrictions save when considering how most piquantly to break them.

Because I can’t help doing it,” he said with a shrug. “And hey, if I keep loving you, maybe you’ll eventually crack and love me too. Hell, I’m pretty sure you’re already half in love...

God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique by which I would be so easily and so quickly judged, then gave...

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in...

I mean that it’s all right to go to bed with an asshole but don’t ever have a baby with one.

What’s up?” [asked Ford.]I don’t know,” said Marvin, “I’ve never been there.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.