The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

You can’t really yell at your boyfriend for stealing your seat and your best friend. You also can’t yell at your best friend for stealing your boyfriend. Or you can…but Hi seemed like a much...

Drawing on my past experiences, I used a lot of erasers. My aging wisdom is starting to look a lot like a nude portrait of Alice Neel.

Of course we got drunk!” Semyon said. “It’s okay to get drunk, Anton. If you need to real bad. Only you have to get drunk on vodka. Cognac and wine—that’s all for the heart.””So what’s...

That civet-jasmine blend you’re wearing tonight absolutely clashes with the third-level formal style of your dress, you know.

I knew something was there, precisely because I hadn’t found anything and the space seemed empty. That’s also how I’m searching for love.

I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.

Don’t you know that it is only the very foolish folk who talk sense all the time? (Anne)

I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five...

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I’m out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!

I don’t want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into.

My Love Machine is tough. It’s built like a tank. At night I’m romantic and so Sun Tzu I’m Moon Tzu. Come, let me make you howl.

A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

After a dream like that, you’re grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn’t be worse than your dream life.

Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.

We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.””Scrabble?” He sounds surprised. “Scrabble’s great.””Not when you’re playing with a family of geniuses, it’s not. They all put words like ‘iridiums’. And I put ‘pig’.

He turned his gaze upon her, and their eyes not only met, the pupils shook hands, exchanged business cards, and sat down for tea together.

I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.

It’s very hard to whisper in your own ear. Love is an art, but as an artist, I guess I’m no Van Gogh.

But what’s the use of arguing with a man? You belong, Mr. Smith, to a sex devoid of a sense of logic. To bring a man into line, there are just two methods: one must...

Will speechless for once, a glass of water frozen halfway to his lips

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first” “Yes””Well, it’s truer in bed than it is anywhere else.

The same amount of terrible?

Nothing is more romantic than being able to park in a handicapped spot.”

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy…well.

My friends never seem to yell at their kids. Even when their kids are behaving hideously, they pull them aside and say, now sweetie, you know you shouldn’t, blah, blah, blah. Please don’t yadda, yadda,...

I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me put it in.

It’s hot. I’m sweatin’. I don’t want to go campin’,” his voiced pitched high to mock me.

Throwing a sub at the Apollyon probably wasn’t something that should be done in public. But I couldn’t help it; I laughed.

My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz, and he supports my message.

I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I...

After a cup of tea (two spoonsful for each cup, and don’t let it stand more than three minutes,) it says to the brain, “Now, rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and...

If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog’s ear, don’t sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the...

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

He shivered. His coat was thin, and it was obvious he would not get his kiss, which he found puzzling. The manly heroes of the penny dreadfuls and shilling novels never had these problems getting...

I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said...

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey.

She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generously cut shift dress made out of a flecked green fabric. It was like a tent, thought Mma...

Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding...

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved. I’m so bloody needy.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hideI smell the blood of a petty little coward

Do you think I’d risk my job for a quick tumble in the sheets with him?