I wish I had a body like fog or mist, and could move mysteriously. But genetics being what they are, I’m stuck with a body like haze.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you’ll have to go see the good doc anyway.

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part...

flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide my patriotism among red, white, and blue foliage.)

Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.

There’s always a but. It’s a magical word. You can say anything you want, go on for as long as you want, and then all you have to do is add the magic word and...

Eisenhower and Patton, old friends and figures crucial to the Allies’ upcoming success, conferred over yet another gaffe on Patton’s part that could have cost him his command. Patton’s head is on Ike’s shoulder in...

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: “Deh moon looks like hell, don’t it?

I asked “What do you even do with a chimera?””What wouldn’t you do with a chimera?” Jeff asked. “They’re like the Swiss Army knife of animals.

You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it’s worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it’s worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style...

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?

I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can’t live without a culture anymore.

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and...

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.

I’m not going to do that.””of course you’re not.” Jace said. “because you live to torture me, don’t you?””Not everything, Jace, is about you.” Clary said furiously.”Possibly,” Jace said “But you have to admit that...

Self-loathing is man’s effort to sweep the moon of footprints.

I’m fine,” Kate said. “In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better.””Bad deduction,” Jessie said. “If that were true, I’d be dating Harrison Ford by now.

Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.””Apollo?” I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me...

A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,’ right? Well guess what? I’ve read every single book on the New York Times list...

Cazadores de Sombras: se les ve mejor el negro que a las viudas de sus enemigos dede 1234.

Some people believe that people are essentially evil. Others believe people are essentially good. I believe they are somewhere in the middle, like Denver.

have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.

This is Leo. I’m the… What’s my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or…””Repair boy.””Very funny, Piper.

I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn’t crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

There was no sense to life, to the structure of things. D.H. Lawrence had known that. You needed love, but not the kind of love most people used and were used up by. Old D.H....

We drank coffee like two lovers, despite the fact that we were strangers separated by a window and about two hundred feet. Thank God for binoculars.

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. “What are they doing?” Alice whispered to the Gryphon. “They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.””They’re putting down their...

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless...

My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.

That’s not normal.

There aren’t any syringes.” Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. “I know you’ll use this wisely.””Wisely?”...

Your boyfriend smells bad, says Sarah as she sniffs the armpit of the giant sweatshirt.All boys smell bad I say and she nods her head like we have just figured out something very important.

I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I reply by doing the Charleston, I’m just trying to show my love for...

He said that there would be more information available in the narthex. I leaned over to Matthew and whispered, “The Narthex? Isn’t that a Dr. Suess character that speaks for the trees??

I stared at him (Dionysus). “You’re…you’re married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-

My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it get it back.

Hate. Huh. He’d never hated himself. If anything, he’d always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn’t denied...

My love is dangerous, like getting stabbed by a knife handle. I make love like a psychotic dyslexic.

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

The thing I like about Irish whiskey is that the more you drink the smoother it goes down. Of course that’s probably true of antifreeze as well, but illusion is nearly all we have.

I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.

I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.