What’s with what you’re wearing?” Griggs asks while we stand outside waiting for the others.”It’s pretty hideous, isn’t it?” I say.”Don’t force me to look at it,” he says. “It’s see-through.”That kills conversation for a...

Love in a box. It’s a gift—for both of us, from both of us.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think...

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one’s own relations.

I watched my friend Eleanor give birth,” she said. “Once you’ve seen a child born, you realize a baby’s not much more than a reconstituted ham and cheese sandwich. Just a little anagram of you...

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to...

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: “Deh moon looks like hell, don’t it?

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Everything here is edible; even I’m edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: ‘Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.’ … The twenty-five percent is for error.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and...

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

If you hear a “prominent” economist using the word ‘equilibrium,’ or ‘normal distribution,’ do not argue with him; just ignore him, or try to put a rat down his shirt.

It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.””Apollo?” I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me...

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

Obsessing over a boy makes the time fly.

Motivational Secret of the Week: There are no menial jobs. But you’re welcome to check back next month.

Did I miss the denial, anger, and bargaining phases, or did you leap straight to depression?

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

This is Leo. I’m the… What’s my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or…””Repair boy.””Very funny, Piper.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen

I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I’m such a pyromaniac

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless...

Thanks, I try to look good.

What if I shave?” he said. “I look much better when I’m shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? ” He didn’t wait for the duke’s...

Not only is life too short, it has acne and looks geeky in gym clothes.

When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs

My foggy brain slid away and— And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it’s a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through...

Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

She led the way. Eyeless sockets of the dead seemed to stare at them as they passed. “These are cool,” Dan decided. “Maybe I could-“”No, Dan,” Amy said. “You can’t collect human bones.””A

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

The very first thing I tell my new students on the first day of a workshop is that good writing is about telling the truth. We are a species that needs and wants to understand...

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

He will.