Pterodactyl has a silent P. I talk entire conversations using only silent letters. They’re also invisible. My I love yous are camouflaged amidst my absence.

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

If your treated like a puppet find a new ball of string

It felt like he’d been dragged through the nine circles of hell — by his testicles.

Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.

The only thing that stays the same is change.

If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

A dialysis patient’s life is hard. Laugh harder.

You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they...

You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

My answer is nope, so don’t even hope.

And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry figured out how to get them into the bodies of people who didn’t really want to eat 700 more...

Jenna slipped in wearing an outfit that I can only describe as Hello Kitty Goes Goth.

See? This is why I’m not religious. I couldn’t possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date...

they should let some people into the library by prescription only

That was not sex. That was naked poetry.

Unearth marvels as you walk the path,Stand in awe,Therein is the joy of life.

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I’m never sure who’s going to kill me first.

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

My sex life is Ok. Specifically, Oklahoma City.

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

I have a chip on my shoulder. I don’t have a bad attitude, I have a nacho, and I’m saving it for later. People don’t realize how hungry love makes us.

Timothy bit the inside of his lip and pretended to nod sagely. Things were starting to sound a little far-fetched again. “Man,” he said, “that’s… that’s rough. I’ve heard that being a dragon servant totally...

What is with these guys? Where’s the thrill in watching snakes eat?I certainly didn’t thrill in watching humans eat.

Sometimes the most remarkable things seem commonplace. I mean when you think about it jet travel is pretty freaking remarkable. You get in a plane it defies the gravity of a entire planet by exploiting...

I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon. I make love like a vampire, only entirely different and without completely filling...

He’s a buying dude, and I’ve got to sell him something—like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

Learn rules carefully so you can break them properly

Clearly, you underestimate my relationship with wine and what I do on the weekends when I’m by myself reading.

One of the greatest myths in the world – & the phrase ‘greatest myths’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘big fat lies’ — is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if...

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

I’ll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts for the winter. But that’s just the kind of thoughtful guy I am.

You don’t appreciate a faithful husband when you’ve got one,’ said Tommy.’All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,’ said Tuppance.’You have the wrong kind of friends,’ said Tommy.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

This may be impossible for you to believe,” Colt said in a hushed voice, “but as recently as last year, I was a hyper, naive-albeit extremely good-looking-minor myself.””And now you’re a persistent, outdoorsy, unshaven man-boy...

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always...

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it’s yet more people I’ll have to avoid.

You gonna count ’em out now? Because I’ll save you the trouble. There’s two.

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

I peel cats like I pet oranges. And I often snuggle with watermelons, sometimes with the intent of making love.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.