Hapi?” I asked.”Why, yes, I am happy!” Hapi beamed. “I’m always happy because I’m Hapi! Are you happy?”Zia frowned up at the giant. “Does he have to be so big?”The god laughed. Immediately he shrank...

MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They’ll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your...

Pugs Not Drugs

A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense.

Viele Wege führen zum Mops, keiner an ihm vorbei!

Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might be a 1.2. Interestingly, piss and shit are numerically represented by 1 and...

Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper...

Mrs. Potts beady black eyes narrowed,”Do you know how many glass slippers I have to stitch when I get home? There’s a Mad Hatter serenading a toaster as we speak. There could be mayhem wreaking...

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

I’m so much more scared of white guys than black guys. Like an angry black guys would pull out a gun and be like ‘Yo, I’m coming back with my cousins and we’re gonna funck...

Now then,” he mused, “how does one fly a dragon?

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes.

It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.

After a lot of stalling and posturing, I finally admitted I had feelings for her. Most notably I felt anger and resentment, and a few less positive emotions.

What’s the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We’re a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What’s your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs… Actually Irondale...

My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I can’t relate, because I wasn’t there. Neither was he, because like I said,...

I make my own luck, and I make it in a pot. Then I bring it to potlucks.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A clear conscience is due to a poor memory.

If he’s getting married, he’s not longer interesting.

…there was practically one handwriting common to the whole school when it came to writing lines. It resembled the movements of a fly that had fallen into an ink-pot, and subsequently taken a little brisk...

What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish, or you can introduce him to a woman named Fish who happens to look like a trout.

I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a...

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

Don’t mind her. She keeps her nose so high in the air, she’s liable to drown in a good rainstorm.

You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It’s death porn for the masses.

I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be purred.

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, “Beautiful weather we’re having,” I always reply, “Irrigation and crop rotation.

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped...

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was...

I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.

Donkeys and elephants represent us politically. Why? Because snakes and roaches would be too obvious.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue!

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has...

Grandma frowned and yelled something in Russian. She could have been saying, ‘Open up, your best friend is here.’ On the other hand, it could have been, ‘America is a great country because of canned...

His hair isn’t turning gray—it’s turning silver, and it’s going up in value. Aging is the best hedge against an inflationary fiat currency.

I’m not a carrot cake kind of guy. But so what? Don’t push your political agenda on me, pal.

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare,...

Doubtful, but it did work…”Annabeth?” Percy said again. “You’re planning something. You’ve got that I’m-planning-something look.””I don’t have an I’m-planning-something look.””Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and —“”Do you...

Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?””Only once” said Hermione stung. “I got you loads more then you got me—””I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—””Well if you’re...

It was not very long afterwards that Michael woke up one morning with a curious feeling inside him. He knew, the moment he opened his eyes, that something was wrong but he was not quite...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

I once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.