It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I’d never get off my ass to change the channel.

I’ve never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons,” said Luna, sounding mildly interested. “That was noisier than I thought it would be.

I have the sex drive of a parked car.

And that was just my hand, love.

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn’t handle the spiders.You couldn’t handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him. “God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.”He laughed. “That’s something the vampire...

The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.

Yeah, well, food’s one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfigurations,” said Ron, to general astonishment.

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

The Argentine tango isn’t here to play nicely with the other children. The Argentine tango is here to seduce your women, spill things on your rug, and sneak out your bedroom window in the middle...

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

You’re so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of...

In truth, Freud sees nothing and understands nothing.

Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

E per tutto il giorno mi riempivano la testa di stronzate che volevano farmi tenere a mente, come ad esempio le equazioni per calcolare la distanza fra il posto dove ci trovavamo e quelle in...

I’m no expert, no natural-born talent, definitely no guru. As you’ll soon learn, only through a colossal experiment in trial and error did I reach the sexual summit. Although I own up to having worn...

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you’ll make us jobless for good.

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.

I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Fine!’ she snapped, the desperation to have him growing exponentially now. ‘I missed you. Only you. No man could ever make me feel like you do. I’m ruined for all others. I renamed all my...

If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.

You have to be patient, because I am not—and one of us has to be, so it might as well be you. And here, to help with your impatience, you can start being patient right...

Artemis: “Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre.”Myles: “In Paris.”Artemis: “Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter’s attention. What do you do?”Beckett: “Umm…tell Butler to jump-jump-jump...

Sorry.

Yo! Hold my poodle!

I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I don’t appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a...

Latins for Republicans – it’s like roaches for Raid.

My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others.

Her head titled to the side and her eyebrows crept up her face. It was her uh-durrr face, she was just too kind to actually say it to me.

I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

Good God, you’re not a morning person, are you?

I keep a list of our differences. The good news is there’s only one item. The bad news is that the one item reads: Everything.

Rule number 2 – don’t listen to me!” Arriane laughed, “I’m certifiably insane!

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

My skyscraper of a heart met an earthquake of a woman. Why can’t I meet a simple window washer? My love is a hundred stories tall—and I wrote every single one of those stories.

Dennis faced him. They glared at each other again. Neither said a word until Dennis set the glasses down, leaned back against the counter, and folded his arms over his chest. “You’re an idiot.” “Seems...

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

Twitter provides us with a wonderful platform to discuss/confront societal problems. We trend Justin Bieber instead.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.

I am the Zero Zoo. See the empty cage that is my heart. I’d like to imprison your love there.

why can’t you see i’m a kid’, said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don’t cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream...

My girl didn’t step out on me. She just stood in the doorway and wouldn’t close the door.