So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape!...

I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches...

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.””Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of “Remember to never split an infinitive” and “The passive voice should never be used.” The notion of making a mistake while...

I don’t want you to do anything.-Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.

It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.

Darlin, you don’t even know how to pleasure yourself.

The beagles are partying under Geiger’s desk.

She’s a whore. She won’t sleep with me!

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

If the key to life is figuring yourself out; family must be the lock.

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I...

Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, …

Life sucks, and then you die…

Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

Conceited little mega-puppy.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

She came through the door the moment my beer arrived. Fortyish, salon-blonde, spray tan, fake boobs and real diamonds. Anywhere else it would be a bimbo alert, but in Florida it was just protective coloration.

It’s the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It’s seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can’t watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your...

Fine! He is being passive aggressive with me, and it’s gonna backfire; I’m gonna be active friendly.

The middle son gets a magic donkey. When you shout the word: “Bricklebrit!”, it spews gold pieces out of…And I quote:… its front and back.Yes, folks. Thing I Love #4: the Bricklebrit Donkey. You shout...

When your done releasing sexual tensions, we have a meeting to continue!”~Francis Bonnefoy, Hetalia, English Dub

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door…I’ll pay for that!!! Since I’m here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

When a child is born, I once explained to the kids, some dads lay down bottles of wine for them that will mature when they grow up into ungrateful adults. Instead, what you’re going to...

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.

Conscience is like a pet: If you spoil it by too much attention it’ll start yipping at the most inopportune times.

Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.

Religion + Good Works = Good WorksSolve for Religion.

I have the sex drive of a parked car.

I have a shocking memory – I remember everything.

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord?Or to the dreadful summit of the cliffThat beetles o’er his base into the sea,And there assume some other horrible formWhich might deprive your sovereignty of...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him a Get Well Soon card, since he was probably interested in my well-being.

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader.”- Capt. Bligh(ret.)

Walking alongside his apprentice’s horse, Sethil Longmere, magus of the Third Circle, Magi Master of Dormir’s army, and a man who had seen more years than most men could count, did his best to keep...

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

Humor is heartbreak in reverse.

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. “It works better with your clothes off.”Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. “What?”She seemed mystified by the question. “I believe you will find...

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...