In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn’t been able do while they’d been in the armed forces....

Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you.

Sexual reproduction and food — humans’ two favorite subjects.

I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

WHAT DOES AN OLD MAN GAIN BY EXERCISINGwhat will he gain by talking on the phonewhat will he gain by going after fame, tell mewhat does he gain by looking in the mirrorNothingeach time he...

I can be humbler than anyone.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person.

I totally bought you as a girl,” says Marisol. “I’ll double check with Frances later, but by the sounds of things, you seem to have no balls.

Laughter is the stubborn reward of grim times.

It seems kind of light for a dozen books. I think it’s probably that unnatural number of Jason Statham DVDs you ordered.”He has to have filmed a nude scene at some point in his career....

here!” and you threw 5000 likes on me and it felt like slugs. And smelled like fried chicken. I was so confused. I vomited a rainbow.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Among other things.

I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

I’ve given her signs! I’ve given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn?

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

I wasn’t thinking all of them—just Zed and Victor. Zed as the seventh son has a touch of most of our skills and can hold us together when we do a joint investigation. He’s a...

Aprender a aprender significa examinar las suposiciones. Los relatos de Mulá Nasrudín cumplen muy frecuentemente esta función.

Eugene’s got a fake ID, and he actually gets away with using it because he looks like he’s thirty-six, thanks to his devotion to tasseled shoes and his ridiculous carpet of chest hair.

Since childhood I’d been suspected of imagination

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

I’ve got a theory, it could be bunnies…I’ve got a theor-Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposesThey’ve got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.And what’s with all the carrots-?What do they need such good...

Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around.

The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.

I’m sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.

We’re like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

Medusa has been called many worse things around here, including ‘diseasedpincushion,’ and ‘perambulating cactus.’

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.

I don’t think my mum ever understood my love of Doctor Who. Surely her strongest memory would have been me, standing at the top of the stairs, crying about how the “jelly men” were going...

Within the magical community, most brides are virgins. Do you have any idea how many curses and other horrible things are associated with virginity and virgin bloodshed? For witches, having sex before marriage invites all...

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

An elephant is almost a unicorn!

You don’t need to make up a new pet.

He could totally be your boyfriend,” [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. “You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog.””I’m only a kid!” I shrieked....

Wake up people, you are sleeping your life away!

I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.

That’s the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

This is the legend of Cassius Clay, The most beautiful fighter in the world today.He talks a great deal, and brags indeed-y, of a muscular punch that’s incredibly speed-y.The fistic world was dull and weary,But...

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?”Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

Oh no. Don’t smile. You’ll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.

If you want me to have sex with you, I’ll have sex with you. If you want me to love you, I’ll have sex with you.

I may be taller than her on my knees. Does she need a man she can climb?