Jehovah’s Witness are welcomed into my home…You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick...

Unfortunately when I’m on my death bed I believe I’ll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I’ve checked my sock drawer.

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say,...

The disappearance of love. Two become one, like I cross my legs, intertwined, and hard to run.

When did you become a woman?”-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times…”-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean…” fan club girlsNO! He’s my doctor…”Yuki

Listen, street punk. You’re a guy, and you’re a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you’re in a gang. But I’ve survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut...

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

Meteorites don’t fall on the Earth. They fall on the Sun and the Earth gets in the way.” – John W. Campbell

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to be potty trained.

Proof there is a God,” I answered.

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

I’m very fond of experimental housekeeping.

From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has the distinction of being the first Indian word borrowed by English settlers), Cape Fear, Cape Hatteras, the Chowan and...

Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday. Now get on with it.

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!

I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.

Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.

Frederick left the young couple gazing into each other’s eyes. Revolting, the way otherwise sensible people could carry on, he decided. Something to do with being married, no doubt. Perhaps it damaged the brain.

I had a dream that I had brown hair…I woke up and ran to the mirror…Phew! I’m still a blonde.

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.””What are the other—” Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, “two?

People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily be mistaken for animals—namely politicians.)

She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek’s bank, her posture still demanding ‘no trespassing’ but no longer ‘trespassers will be shot.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.

Maddison de la Botella, licence to drill.

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

That water supply is lost revenue for my city’s utility company. The rain that falls on my neighbor’s land is city water, and whether they collect it in barrels or wastefully let it seep into...

as I [Eve] was the only cook in all Christendom at the time, the idea of not coming home to dinner never occurred to Adam… It is true that at times he criticised my cooking,...

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.

Fate has a twisted sense of humor.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can’t sit over their wine;they can’t play at wist;and they can’t pay a lady a compliment.

I make love like a flower sings. That’s hyperbole, because flowers don’t sing—they only play the guitar.

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

I found this, though,” Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. “Gas-X! Like, ‘X’ for explosion! This is great! I’m thinking I rig this with a detonator and-“”Did you find that in the...

We both tried to speak at the same time, and ended up remaining silent the whole night. That’s when I realized we were in love.

I love that there’s no cutoff where we get labeled and sent off to a home for hopeless, cranky, depressives. Every day is a new chance to listen longer and be braver and love more....

Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. “Do you always hold your guitar like that?”I dropped my pick. “Do you always shop at Hot Topic?

In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some money and automate the front desk position, because they didn’t have to pay...

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed,...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

You are a placebo responder. Your body plays tricks on your mind. You cannot be trusted.

When I’m in love, I can’t stand anyone.