A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don’t later fray.

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must’ve starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point.

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

It was true. After our divorce, I’d ended up in a slight relationship with my last research assistant, Aurelia Feinstein, age 34-though let me state for the record it was not as hot as it...

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

staying focused.” Right! My pants are on fire, and she’s handing me a crash course in Psych 101!

Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

Once we were alone, Imogen unfolded her hand. In it, she held the key to the chains. I had passed it to her while we were in the embrace. Roden noticed it and scowled. “You...

Tell me the story,” said Fenchurch firmly. “You arrived at the station.””I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong.” “Get on with it.” Fenchurch laughed.”So I bought a newspaper,...

I had a dream about you starting a pet store. You didn’t have any customers yet, and I was your guinea pig.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he’s like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.

Do you like to slide?” His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. “No, Majesty. I’m terrified of heights.””Oh.” His polite tone had returned.”I wish I could enjoy it. This...

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

As the carriage bumped her bones along the dark country lanes, Martha decided that if she ever got back to her own time she would write a book called ‘Travel in the Edwardian Era. It...

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

[On Oscar Wilde:]”If, with the literate, I amImpelled to try an epigram,I never seek to take the credit;We all assume that Oscar said it.[Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by...

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

That’s not a bad word…hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn’t.

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

So-called intellectuals have ego-power; Fools have willpower.

I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

It was deflating to realize how much my own family’s quality of life might improve if I replaced myself with a Fundamentalist stay-at-home daughter.

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

Viagra isn’t the only drug being prescribed off-label for women with arousal problems. Los Angeles urologist Jennifer Berman told me some doctors are prescribing low doses of Ritalin. Drugs like Ritalin improve a person’s focus,...

I was in love. Either that, or I was knocking on the wrong door. But it didn’t matter, because nobody answered.

She’d also called me brave…unless she was talking to the catfish.

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

Though you can live for as much as you like, but your longevity is stupidity if you were leading a worthless life.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Blackjack,” Percy said, “this is Piper and Jason. They’re friends.”The horse nickered.”Uh, maybe later,” Percy answered.Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she’d never...

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.