In a typical college romance novel, he’d be a gorgeous but troubled sex god who’d cure all my deep-seated psych issues with a good hard fuck. I’d smell his misogyny and abusive tendencies from miles...

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

Let’s be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.

throws of love ballets and magic moments wished for”. However, I wondered if he ever watched National Lampoon’s Vacation. Chevy Chase had purpose, a plan, intent and found Wally World closed. I kind of don’t...

There’s nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don’t do it after you already did it.

I don’t know about you, but this whole life thing has been the cause of all my problems.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

un brin de sagesse vaut mieux qu’un champ de connaissance

A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys....

There’s only one person who needs a glass of water oftener than a small child tucked in for the night, and that’s a writer sitting down to write.

My very photogenic mother died in a freak accident (picnic, lightning) when I was three, and, save for a pocket of warmth in the darkest past, nothing of her subsists within the hollows and dells...

I loved her like meatloaf. Our love was the kind covered in ketchup—and not gravy.

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

They never let you live it down. One little mistake!”- Nero

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

Toad must have been very accustomed to traveling this way, balanced on the back rails of a rushing buggy, but Melena was not. She gripped the sides and white-knuckled the rails with her knapsack sandwiched...

Bags!

Girls at war opt for a quieter cruelty than fistfights and drive-by shootings. Girls circumvent the corporeal and go straight for each other’s souls. The bleeding is harder to stanch.

Coveralls,” I reply, and I know I’m no longer screening what’s coming out of my mouth.He raises a eyebrow, amused yet again. “You wouldn’t want to ruin your clothing.” I gesture vaguely in the direction...

If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel. Why just the other day I ran over a rat, and I felt...

If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

I’m some sort of guinea pig in a home economics crash course for werewolves.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.

If you don’t make a few ememies now and then, you’re a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!- Angela to Eragon

To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.

If you had a tattoo that said ‘Top Secret,’ where on your body would it be?

Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.

Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

When you get crapped on, grow a garden.

But maybe we could turn it into a three-part date? Start tonight? End Friday?

Stealing is wrong Billy

Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky, try not to drown.

If you KNOW that you’re FUCKED Then you’re NOT If you think that you’re NOT THEN YOU ARE!Isn’t that lovely? Iambic pentangle?

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word ‘pen’ had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay...

… human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever’s freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

What doesn’t KILL me makes me stronger… Except for the extinction of COFFEE… that might kill me.

With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual Mercedes. With my new camera, I can’t wait to show you how much...

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

Secret 9.6. When writing a contact report, the term ‘intense vocalization’ should be used in place of words like ‘moan,’ ‘pant’ and ‘sigh.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

It’s not that I’m ahead of my time, it’s more that the world is running late.

When you are standing in the middle of a storm you have two choices: Pray to God that it goes away. Or, start praying to God that he gives you the wisdom to figure out...

We pass Tinsley’s Fried Chicken with the big sign that reads, TRY OUR BIG, JUICY BREASTS.

It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day.

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

There was a naked jock on my bed and a thing with tentacles coming out of my toilet. One of these things did not belong, and if you tell me that it was the naked...