You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.

Which was, said Old Mock, one of the chief attractions of eschatological religions. When one’s world was impermanent, difficult endeavors, like procuring justice or balancing the ecology, need never be attempted. One need only make...

I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the manager knew. What, did I have to go to Harvard to get the...

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson

Wait let me see if I can reach you using your own language. You do ken ‘tis year of our Lord two thousand and eight aye?

Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing,...

They’re really into it, laughing and teasing each other, and I am looking at Pam and thinking once again how she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and that if we were...

I write what I want to read. If I were to write what I know, I’d be staring at a blank page forever.

If a man were choking, what would I do? Depends. If that man is my boss, I’d strangle him.

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through the window to get them.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

There’s and entire world outside these bleak pages, one full of SUNRISES and KITTY-CATS and late-night BURRITO RUNS and the horrible, creaking amble of us all towards DEATH. It is to that world that I...

Waking up each day, is like you are in the Basketball Court dribbling the ball, its up to you.. If you wan’t to pass the ball or passed through the wall.

Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt

Great. I’d been dumped in Hell’s waiting room.

The selection process is simple. Hubby exhausts every ploy in his psychological arsenal to filter out the liars, fakes, and undesirables. (If only every husband were so devoted . . .) Me, I try to...

Mine.

A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.

I’m going to tell you something once and then whether you die is strictly up to you,” Westley said, lying pleasantly on the bed. “What I’m going to tell you is this: drop your sword,...

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

invest” my money.

Does the king know you’re back?””Nope! I’m trying to think of a properly dramatic way to inform him. Perhaps a hundred chasmfiends marching in unison, singing an ode to my magnificence.””That sounds… hard.””Yeah, the storming...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

Looks like I missed a party. Good. I wasn’t really in the mood to off demons this evening. Haven’t had my coffee yet. (Jared)You drink coffee? (Stryker)No, but it was my pathetic attempt at humor....

I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you called the cops, and the police said I raped you—but I was the...

I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.

I know that David Tennant’s Hamlet isn’t till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early,...

Don’t marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

What the hell is that?” I laughed.”It’s my fox hat.””Your fox hat?””Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.””Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.”Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

Behold, my children!” she said. “The instrument of my revenge. I will call it a scythe!”The Titans muttered among themselves: What is that for? Why is it curved? How do you spell scythe?

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

I don’t think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

a lover of love.

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.

The good thing is Jason and I both outrank you so we can both tell you to shut up.

We were divided by color. Not black and white, but colour/color. She was British, and I was honoured to engage her in a spelling debate.

If you party, then I Ben. I’ve been Benning since the beginning. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you are not alone. And thank God, because is there any worse feeling than being...

It was suicide, wasn’t it?””In an involuntary sort of way,” said Vorob’yev. “These Cetagandan political suicides can get awfully messy, when the principal won’t cooperate.””Thirty-two stab wounds in the back, worst case of suicide they...

As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

I don’t fear death–I fear dying before I’ve read Dickens end to end.

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food