I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Old age is not just for grown up’s

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

Virginia isn’t for lovers. Vagina is for lovers. Makes me wonder why there aren’t any for sale in any vending machines.

I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors...

Hindi ka niya lalapitan kung wala siyang kailangan at hindi ka niya lulubayan hanggang hindi niya nakukuha ang gusto niya.

The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. ‘It’s not what you think,’ she said. ‘It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now,...

Ah ha!’ the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ”The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are? If so, I want to be called Al Auttalovetogive.

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

In fact that is why the lives of most women are so vaguely unsatisfactory. They are always doing secondary and menial things (that do not require all their gifts and ability) for others and never...

I’ve got yours.

A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

It was almost romantic, in a mad-inventor sort of way.

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

Gallows humor is part of having a doctor in the house. Deal with it.

It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people,...

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

Like a lot of stupid people, it took a great deal to get an idea into the king’s head, but once there, there was no shifting it.

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

(…) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled...

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

it was Greenspan who through some excessive deregulation prepared the monetary ground for the rise of the subprime mortgage companies: a lending market that specialises in high-risk mortgages and loans.’Innovation’, said Greenspan in April 2005,...

(Referring to the piano’s natural shape) Isn’t it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their...

Oenone had found the chapel by accident, and was not certain what kept drawing her back to it. She was not a Christian. Few people were anymore, except in Africa, and on certain islands of...

I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right...

No, little one, George’s ghost won’t come back. Human beings don’t have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.””How can you say that?” protested Mopple. “We don’t know whether humans have souls or not.””Every lamb knows...

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

Normal” is just a setting on your dryer.

As my mom used to say,”If wishes were horses, we’d be up to our eyeballs in shit.

I like you. It’s pretty nice you’re not dead.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

You can’t even put your arm around me without tripping up.

A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

Does she realize she looks like a sunflower, ready to rain sunlight on all who look down upon her?

You can’t drive them around in the getaway van.’ ‘How about we don’t call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.’ ‘So what should we call it?’ ‘How about the van?’ ‘It doesn’t change...

If you don’t beleve in yourself, who will?’ ~Maybeck

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear.””Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?””Poor grammar skills.

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.