… Besides it’s better to have Miyoshi around. You and me have a been together since Jr. High. Without her around people might think we’re gay.

Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

I’m the crazy girly captain, Remember?

She’d been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he’d just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared.

There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.

People tell me I have a winning smile, but it’s just not true. My grin took silver at last year’s Facial Expression Olympics.

*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr...

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

Night falls over Machu Picchu to the sound of Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.

And thus Charles found himself wandering around a hotel, trailing federal agents as he held a cardboard coffee cup holder in each hand, instead of out killing misbehaving werewolves.

My ballsack drives me nuts. Jogging has got to be the floppiest sport. Definitely not for lovers. Gentlemen prefer gymnastics.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.” “Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?” Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off.

I sing into burritos like they’re microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.

For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside,” Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor.

No matter which sex I went to bed with, I never smoked on the street

Don’t panic. Are you sitting? You probably don’t need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

On influence: If you want to have a lot of pull, don’t go pushing people around.

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. “What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away...

Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

That’s like my love for her.” At first I was sad, but then I smiled when I realized I’m more of a sofa kind of guy.

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

Piper’s lust was like a single bear trap in the wilderness. It was nearly impossible to find if you were looking for it, but it was something you wanted to be prepared for if you...

Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.

I’m being ironic. Don’t interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it’s not polite. There!

When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

I think I just blew my own mind.

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

In what way did your parents screw up to make you the woman you are today?

I believe in love like a flower bud might believe in Buddha. But, then, I’m a romantic, and you know that because in the last presidential election I voted for Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

But…he’s a demon. Isn’t that sort of the main category of Things to Smite?

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

For me, adoption was grief in reverse.

I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted it back from across the restaurant.

I felt very close to God…. My friends say that’s because I was always on my knees.

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

You’re only as old as you feel.

If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.