I’m feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another.

It raises my spleen more than anything.

The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

One winter I wrapped myself in newspaper, for warmth and for illiteracy.

Yeah. Floyd is his batman.”His what?”Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant.”You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don’t make you money than...

In my opinion, too much attention to weather makes for instability of character.

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

Holy mother!””Hmph. More like holy father. I’d think you’d know the difference.”-Hephaetus

On the board, Mr. Beery had written “Those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it.” I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be inspirational, thematic, or a joke about making sure to...

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Wraith snorted. “Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That’s cheating.””You don’t have a gun?” Kynan asked.Wraith made a face of digust. “It’s not very sporting to shoot people.””So you’re saying that...

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person’s teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

I have a Secret. I keep it under my arms in the form of deodorant.

I always wanted a sister who could beat me up.

Dr. Pervy-PantsDr. DepravityDr. Ain’t-Puttin’-OutDr. Bossy-as-FuckDr. Obsessive-CompulsiveDr. KinkybonesDr. DeviantDr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-JeansDr. Lick-My-BootsDr. Smug-as-ShitDr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-NozzleDr. Damn-Your-Dick-is-Motherfucking-BigDr. Full-of-ShitDr. Smack-a-LotDr. Ruined-Me-For-Anyone-Else

Love is the darkness that shines in our hearts. I bought you a flashlight. It’s broken, so you know I care.

very simple to earn in india, create a temple that’s it on the name of the any lord.

A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?

Hard work would really open doors for me. So would being disabled.

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

Piper went a little crazy. She cried out with relief and dove straight into the water.What was she thinking? She didn’t take a rope or a life vest or anything. But at the moment, she...

You stupid piece of warm bacon.

You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

Poseidon’s underpants! You can’t be serious.

Henry KissingerHow I’m missing yerYou’re the Doctor of my dreamsWith your crinkly hair and your glassy stareAnd your Machiavellian schemesI know they say that you are very vainAnd short and fat and pushyBut at least...

Anyway, I’m in bed with her, with her bracelets. Her face is a blank, so I darken the lights. Off go her silky undergarments. The bracelets are all she has on. They glint slightly, a...

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.

The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

If you wanted to kill me, why haven’t you smothered me in my sleep?” “No sport in that.” She gestured towards the ceiling. “Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted...

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her.

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, ‘To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you.

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.

I hate when I look in my closet and find clothes instead of Narnia.

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...