Mind you, I’m a fine one to talke. I mean, I killed myself and just look at me now: I’m a qualified pilot, I can escape from a cockpit in five metres of water and...

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a...

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

Miss Edmonton: I don’t even know where to start. It’s too horrifying to even speak of.Jenny: Nonsense. Let’s start with the basics. What did your aunt tell you?Miss Edmonton: My aunt said that my husband...

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn’t get any better than this.”You have low standards,’ Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. ‘If I had two hot girls in my...

the Real-World was a sprawling mess of a book in need of a good editor.

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

If you were to tell the thing down at the bottom of that pit it had napped through forty-two presidential inaugurations, eight British coronations, sixteen popes and three number ones by the Danish pop group,...

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

She said she loves me. Not out loud, but in her mind she said it. I heard it with my heart, telepathically.

The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Sometimes the thing one wants most is the very thing that will get him killed with an axe.

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about?...

What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.

You can take and nail two sticks together like they’ve never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

I’ll drink your champagne. I’ll drink every drop of it, I don’t care if it kills me.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)

I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself.

People need hope Michael, as much as they need a leader. You and Gabe are the answer to both of those things. You’ll lead the people of earth to victory and Gabe will give them...

Our love was full of passion that only youth can provide. When she left me, I was heartbroken. But it was inevitable. Kindergarten was just around the corner, and we were both going to different...

My love is atonal. It sounds like a bodily function (walking, or sometimes running).

So I’m over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots… and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me… ‘Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it’s...

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

You are blessed with luck, small one’, he told Harry. ‘Rejoice and give thanks – – someone wants you dead.

Wizards don’t believe in gods in the same way that most people don’t find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they’re there, they know they’re there for a purpose, they’d probably agree...

Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that...

I had a dream about you. The blue sky matched the blue in your eyes, though you had a few more clouds in your irises. When you got sad, you didn’t cry—you rained, and that’s...

I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.””Well,” said Luke, “you’re...

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

I told my father I was his dad. But I lied. He’s adopted.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be...

Unintended jealousy is merciless.

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that’s how I came to tell the two apart.

I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.””It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

There ain’t a body, be it mouse or man, that ain’t made better by a little soup.

Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn’t trust it. Often you couldn’t even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else—coincidence, maybe, or providence. You...