Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things...

To err is human, to purr is feline.

I am an uncle, though this is not a new feeling for me, as I’ve been one before. I’ve also been 2 through 32, and I turn 33 in March.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

And it’s Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke…

Shut up, idiot.

So what? All writers are lunatics!

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

Percy: Dad-Poseidon: Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.Percy: I’m praying, I’m talking to you, right?Poseidon: Oh…yes. Good point.

My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special.

If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.

Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely,” said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. “But I must say, Ginevra’s dress is far too low-cut.”Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly...

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.

I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Every town you go to, they tell you what’s special about their town. What they’re number one at… This guy comes up and says, ‘D’you know that we’re the home of the world’s largest frying...

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

Warning: Do not open.

If you took everything I’d ever found hot in a girl and piled them into a corner, you’d get Cricket Hunt standing in a corner.

When I was a wee little kid,” remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, “there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they’re out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!

Pointed teeth would give one an appearance of ferocity,” he said, tapping a straight white tooth. “Although that might require one to follow through with biting someone from time to time, and the thought is...

Es gibt keinen Gott und Dirac ist sein Prophet. (There is no God and Dirac is his Prophet.){A remark made during the Fifth Solvay International Conference (October 1927), after a discussion of the religious views...

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.

My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

Orion brightened. “I have an idea.””Yes?” said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.”Why don’t we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn’t work, you could...

Aside from that.

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

I was watching a collection of vintage ’80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign...

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.”Owww!” he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn’t mean it.”If you think I can understand that,”...

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward...

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

The magic in that country was so thick and tenacious that it settled over the land like chalk-dust and over floors and shelves like sticky plaster-dust. (House-cleaners in that country earned unusually good wages.) If...

Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me....

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need...

I’ve received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, “You should lay off the f-bombs.” The other is, “You should add more f-bombs.

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.