I don’t get it. I’m sexually attractive to a remarkable degree-“”And humble.””It’s not bragging if it’s true. And I’m his-which means, this is in the bag. Or should be.

Merrill Krause – “My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.”Granny Lassiter – “Well, if a man can’t stand up to those brothers of yours, you...

At some point, our lips met and it was perhaps the most wonderful thing I’d ever experienced. And truly, I guess there wasn’t just one kiss, but several. A polite frenzy. A mass migration of...

The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table.

There also wasn’t one single bit of grass or dirt outside the airport. Even the median strip was a concrete sidewalk. Where did Atlanta’s pet travelers pee? Maybe city dogs just learned to use the...

Is it because I’m invisible?

Doesn’t like you? She hates you!

To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart – that’s if I had one.

In my experience, what every true artist wants, really wants, is to be paid.

It may be prodigious, but it’s all Greek to me!

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether romance, mystery, or horror, nobody suspects the flowers.

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

I’d love to…but only with you.

The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe.

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An...

It’s like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.

All humans are insane, they exists because insanity exists.

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

Hold on to your friends.Resist – or move onBe mad, be rashSmoke and explodeSell all of your clothesJust bear in mind:There just might come a timeWhen you need some friends

Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.

Hate.

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now.

I long to belong like a midget longs to be long. Footlong hotdogs are 12 inches too short to take seriously, and I vote with my wallet. Sadly, there are no refunds in politics.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

A picture should capture a moment, a place in time you can return to again and again.

Had Stella been named anything else, and/or had we lived in any other city besides New Orleans, my desperate call would have been just my desperate call. In that alternate universe the neighbors might have...

It is really surprising what may be done in the home with a small can of paint, if you aren’t careful.

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

I thought you were just typical teenagers.”No one has ever called me typical. I can’t say I like it.

There’s a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It’s so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over...

What’s that you mutter to yourself, Matthew Maule?” asked Scicpio. “And what for do you look so black at me?””No matter, darky,” said the carpenter. “Do you think nobody is to look black but yourself?

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer

A politician’s autobiography is a book that’s nothing more than a collection of paper, like toilet paper, only it’s stacked instead of rolled.

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people—

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a...

Two puzzles that cannot be solved: The miracle of birth and misery of death.

I’m grateful for what you’ve done—and I’m ungrateful for what you haven’t done. A cup half full of coffee is also half full of sleep.

I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

Three lights should be fine.” – Zachary”Aye, well if it wis me, I’d want a bloody lighthoose beacon comin’ oot o’ my arse.” – True MacDonald

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

My family would never bother with something so insignificant as job experience. I’m sure they started the interview by asking what her favoritecolor was.

I was the big sister. I was supposed to set and example and lead the way so people would say, ‘Hey, you’re Alex’s sister, aren’t you? You two look exactly alike!’ instead of ‘Hey, you’re...

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.