Poor Christopher-John had fallen into the hands of Miss. Daisy Crocker. I greatly sympathized him, but as in everything else, Christopher John tried to see the bright side in having to face such a shrew...

He looked groggy, and he told me he didn’t get any sleep, so I handed him a cat, because that’s like extra sleep right there.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

I’m going to treat myself to one of these as a reward for not knocking himself unconscious with a skillet.

I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

Are you having a seizure or something?” she jested, displaying a rare vein of humor.Egnatious sent her a queasy glare.

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying “Blood…blood…blood…blood…

He curled his claw into a fist. “I’d like to shove a stake up that bastard’s ass.”Adam’s lip curled. “Remind me not to piss you off.”The demon raised his brow. “Trust that shit, mancy.

Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I’m pretty sure that solidifies my position as the weirdest person on the planet.

Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn’t with me.

I have discovered that the world over, unusual weather prevails at all times of the year.

They want to suck your blood,” Rob says in a Romanian accent.Jaden snorts. Too bad humor won’t help them out of this mess.

A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a...

We are a generation that is obsessed with nostalgia. Everything from the past is so readily available in ways that it never was before and because of that, western civilization will experience a period of...

I like it.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.

Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.

He sniggered.He didn’t like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half...

This existenitalist stuff sure is crap

Finally Marcus stepped forward. “If you insist on going through me to get him, it’s your call. But I warn you, I will probably cry when you hurt me, and you’ll fell bad about it...

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

Please, touch me, I pray.

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

Come on, it is a guest bedroom! If you want your guests to feel at home, they should be allowed to do whatever they do at home!

You need a father figure in your life.

I really should come with a warning label.

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

She had so many freckles that Erskine wondered if she might have stolen some from other children.

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings

In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

This was the move that was supposed to sweep me away. She seemed a little out of practice. I guess life with Charley Royce hadn’t exactly been the third reel of The English Patient. It...

Another note to self; turn cellphone to silent when you’re trying to be sneaky.

Due to its late nature, tomorrow morning will start after tonight. People say early morning, but it’s later than late at night, so I say it’s entirely too decadent for me to be a part...

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

In other words – and this is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation’s Galaxywide success is founded – their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws.

If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.

Sometimes your own tongue can make you deaf and dumb.

After moral poisoning, one requires physical remedies and a bottle of champagne.

If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.

Have you noticed how Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen look nothing alike, and yet they both manage to look exactly like their father, Martin?

I can’t remember what I said to her, and she can’t remember what she heard. I must have said I love you.

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

Cheese is milk’s leap toward immortality.

I had a problem with commitment. I was afraid to proclaim that I had found Jesus, been saved, boarded the boat bound for eternal life. I figured it wasn’t something I could announce one week...

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.