If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a...

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn’t just sad and slow music. It’s a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the...

Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.

On wheels. It’s fun to ride sometimes, when you don’t care how you smell.

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won’t answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

It had been six weeks since I brought my second child, my daughter, kicking and screaming into the world. Six weeks, that magic number men everywhere look forward to and women dread.

Have lube, will travel.

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to...

No headboards were broken.

God picked me to be his punching bag…so who am I suposed to pray to for mercy?

Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing...

Make pizza, not war. No matter how you slice it, that’s wise.

And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person’s idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

I believe in love at first sight, if both people are blind at the time they become smitten with each other.

Kissinger warned about the dangers of dealing with the Soviet Union precisely at the moment that Reagan was able to achieve real accomplishments with Gorbachev. In later years he would move closer to the neocons,...

FEBRIZIUM();” said Buggeroff, and the foul smell immediately disappeared as if by, well − Magic.

I’m dying!” Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. “I’m dying, look at me! It’s killed me!

The sun would be better than a flashlight, except it doesn’t work at night. It probably needs to recharge its batteries from running all day.

… you’ve experienced the single scene out there – it’s blood test and background checks and references and ‘Please pee in this cup before we can go on a date’ screenings, all clinical and stripped...

I’m reminded of a story I told my 5th grade class in the 4th grade.

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...

Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.

I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties.

If you were me, then I’d be you, and if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.

Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.

Yesterday Allison bought me nail polish in the annoying shade of mauve. How can anyone look at me and think mauve?

Everything was fine, would continue to be fine, would eventually get even better as long as the supermarket did not slip.

Who art thou, Art? Do you make art the way I make love—with a paintbrush?

But what is the use of arguing with a man? You belong, Mr. Smith, to a sex devoid of a sense of logic. To bring a man into line, there are just two methods: one...

Did you read the part that says, ‘Your hair is like a flock of goats’? How romantic is that? Or that other line, ‘Your neck is like the tower of David.’ Oh, now, that sounds...

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl

Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago.

And, she was able to tell herself with some satisfaction, the man in question – one Colin Bridgerton – felt precisely the same way……..His earth shook, his heart leaped, and Penelope knew without a doubt...

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

You will show that thing to me and from now on, I will deal with them.”I opened my eyes really wide and fluttered my eyelashes at him. “I’m sorry, I must’ve missed your coronation ceremony....

Count yourself fortunate.” He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. “Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish...

I don’t put up with being messed around, and I don’t suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I’m a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.

It’s funny when people say something is “unreal” about something that is, in reality, real. I’m so guilty of it, it’s real!

I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.

Actually, I was prone to random acts of stupidity. I considered it to be one of my talents.

Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.

With me, it was my liver that was out of order. […] I had the symptoms, beyond all mistake, the chief among them being “a general disinclination to work of any kind.”What I suffer in...

Listen carefully Usopp. For Nami’s sake you can be sacrificed if necessary.

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.

Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian, it would make life so much easier. I hear they’re more than ninety-percent faithful. What a concept!

I had a dream about you. We were waiting in line, and you were right in front of me. The line was three people long, and I felt like the bronze medalist of the Checkout...

But marrying within one’s own family can get monotonous. One has heard all the same family stories, knows all the jokes and all the same recipes. No novelty.