I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s...

Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.

Oh, of course,” said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

How do you knowyou’re a girl?I’m wearing a frock.And if you take it off?I get cold, so I putit back on.If I was a boy, I don’t know what I’d do.

I’d rather be single, happy, and lonely sometimes than married, lonely, and happy sometimes.

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.

Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can’t count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to...

…he’d assumed their relationship would go on forever. It was going on now, but in another way, like the rearrangement of the stars, which were all still in the sky, just burning in unexpected places.

I’m a designer. I’m trying to design a half a person, but I’m looking for a business partner, a female who’ll contribute the other 50% to the design and make it not only complete, but...

Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.

Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

Such was the number of the barbarians, that when they shot forth their arrows the sun would be darkened by their multitude.” Dieneces, not at all frightened at these words, but making light of the...

I want to have sex at 120—pm and years old.

But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

I’m so hungry I could eat some silverware.

I’m brilliant as well as skilled,” he said modestly. “It’s a great burden, all of that on top of my angelic good looks. But I try to soldier on as best I can.

Down with tyranny!’ Bramble cried. ‘Aristocracy! Autocracy! Monocracy! Other ocracy things! You are outnumbered, sir! Surrender!

I spent most of my life believing there would never be a Prince Charming out there for me. Kissing toads can have that effect on a girl.

As if I’d had time to drug it in the two milliseconds she’d let me out of her sight.

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which make sense because yesterday I frowned so much I ended up pulling my groin muscle.

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

Its easy to fall for someone that will find humor in every situation.

That man has some seriously oversized ovaries. Can you say PMS? He braked at anyone and everyone before shoving his way outside.

I’m about to crash for the night, and I’m wearing a bicycle helmet to bed. I make love as if Lance Armstrong were shaped like a bowling pin. But I’ll spare you the details, if...

Sissy Mae Smith…stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. “You pack like a woman,” she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. “How can one man have so much...

Life’s a party. So smile and eat shit and pretend it’s fucking caviar.

I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.

Just like a man. We’ll just file him away under D for dumb ass and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Or better yet, S for sicko.

Not my finest hour,” he says, shaking his head.”You realize you did it for no reason,” I say. I tell him about talking to my dad and explain that I was crying because of that.”That...

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash...

There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles And somewhere near the middle was the Citrus Tower, which the tourists climbed to see even more orange...

I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating.” –Alison Bechdel

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

What’s with what you’re wearing?” Griggs asks while we stand outside waiting for the others.”It’s pretty hideous, isn’t it?” I say.”Don’t force me to look at it,” he says. “It’s see-through.”That kills conversation for a...

One boy’s a boy; two boys be half a boy, and three boys be no boy at all’, ran the old country saying.

I lived without without, until I found a box full of it that was empty. That’s also where I found love. You should always check carefully—especially when the box you’re checking is a gender preference...

Duct tape can’t fix stupid,” Bas growled. “Maybe not,” Red replied, “but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one’s own relations.

He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].

I watched my friend Eleanor give birth,” she said. “Once you’ve seen a child born, you realize a baby’s not much more than a reconstituted ham and cheese sandwich. Just a little anagram of you...

A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.

I make love efficiently. Why involve two people, when the same outcome can be done by one?

Everything here is edible; even I’m edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

The best day of the week to fall in love is always today. Today will happen again tomorrow, so I’m comfortable sleeping alone for the next 24 hours straight.

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: ‘Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.’ … The twenty-five percent is for error.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.