I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel...

My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands. They say strangulation is a crime of passion, and I say it’s the sign of romance in a relationship.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My favorite quote in the world is this one.

Great. There goes our security deposit.”~ Sean

Stephanie took another puff from her candy cigarette, reached into her purse, brought out the rest of the pack, and said, “Want one of these damned cigarettes?

Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.

I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger, and I look like a Mercedes.

I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name.

Poetry is not an art, it’s a symptom.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.

You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it...

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

One can have a wit, but not a witless

Should I be writing this down?

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

And gag you,” Joseph cheerfully reminded them.

Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into...

A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me...

…trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the...

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

I’m sorry to hear that.

A pancake would make as good of a wheel as I’d make a lover. I would invite you to have a seat on my unicycle, but it’s sticky from maple syrup.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?–ZP.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn’t mind.Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see...

f”?

His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse’s hat on while your father,...

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter ‘sheep.

What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

I’m not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you.

I had a dream about you, you invited me shopping and I was so excited at the thought we were having a “day date” after we entered the mall you had dropped your wallet and...

Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passeth from the stink of the didie to the stench of the shroud. There is always something(All The King’s Men)

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

Sticking a straw up your butt won’t get rid of the constipation.

Left-handed and eyes closed, it’s how I masturbate—while driving at night. If you want to know how I make love, you’re going to have to pay for admission.

I never scoff at coffins, because they’re like coffee cups you can bathe in. Well, coffins are like Starbucks’ coffee cups, only they have more life inside.

It was Will, filling the doorway with his lanky, broad-shouldred frame. His blue eyes where thunderous. “What are you doing here?” he demanded.So much for the brief peace they had achieved the night before. “I...

I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, ‘Throw your donut in the opposite direction and the cops won’t get you.’ I love wearing that t-shirt.

Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

How she looks is watered-down.How she looks is disappearing.How she looks is erased.”Don’t stress”, she says. “This is just me not wearing any makeup.

My writing looks like it’s ten steps behind my mind, and racing to always catch up.