Dirt and sweat. Very sexy.

I can cook a mean hamburger. I can also cook a rude hamburger, and probably a sarcastic one, depending on how snarky the patty gets.

[Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it’s worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.

That’s what you get when you’re stupid.

I am a great customer. I’m not a loyal customer, but that’s what makes me great—my willingness to shop other brands for better buys.

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan’s big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass.

If you ever find yourself in a blender with a banana and an orange, just start throwing karate chops.

Boo: “Go talk to her.”Callum: “About what?”Boo: “Anything.”Callum: “You want me to walk up to her and say, ‘Are you a ghost?'”Boo: “I do that.”Callum: “I love it when you get it wrong.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

I loved her like Monday’s not Sunday. Is it yesterday yet? I won’t know if we were meant to be together forever until six days from now. That’s a long time. Also, that’s a long...

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we’re on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Thank God she doesn’t have to be confirmed by the Senate.(on the birth of his granddaughter)

Oh, I`m sure Tristin will do it” She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. “Surely he knows how to put a condom.” The visual...

North,” said the face beneath the sheet. “I belong to the National Association of Broadcasting Employees and Technicians. If you wake me up before I’ve slept twelve hours, I get paid short turnaround.””But Rose–“”If you...

Spaghetti for brains albino idea weasel.”And that was when I stabbed her with a piece of garlic toast. It seemed like the most appropriate response. The police didn’t seem to agree, and I could tell...

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don’t snuggle, you must cuddle—at a world champion level.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

Mad cow disease? A crazy hunger for blood. There had to be a reasonable explanation for all of this. And there’s no such thing as vampires, right?

Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

Mark Twain’s Mustache—the World’s Greatest Facial Hair. Or Certainly Top Three, and No Lower Than Number Four.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line...

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big,...

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

Don’t ever call me mad, Mycroft. I’m not mad. I’m just … well, differently moraled, that’s all.

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said “That’s not what I meant when...

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.

There’s only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it’s actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.

This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”I frowned, “What’s that?””Homework.

Fiction wouldn’t be much fun without its fair share of scoundrels, and they have to live somewhere.

Immortality is the new twenty!

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the...

Come out of the closet already. It’s so bright and wonderful out here. Dude, I’ve seen Brokeback Mountain too, don’t believe that bullshit. No one cares who you fuck…ya know…like you tell me every. Single....

My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.

We see beyond our eyes, but not back into them, at least not without the self-deceptive help of a mirror. Squeegees are for lovers.

I hope this book will inspire the kitchen con-artist in you, increase fruit and veggie consumption in your family, and motivate you to become an Accidental Cook. Pass it on!

Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.I’d finally found...

I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I’d stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people’s chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess...

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

I’ll kill my critics with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll use something deadlier, like a knife.