… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

Who is this man?”Chinaman, or rather half Chinese and half German. Got a daft name. Calls himself Doctor No – Doctor Julius No.”No? Spelt like Yes?”That’s right.

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

I don’t know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you’ve...

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.

It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend kissing me right before bed. Oh, and...

But what would they have said to their Liaison? It’s like this, Meg. We didn’t like that Asia Crane, so we ate her. When dealing with humans, honesty isn’t always the best policy, Vlad thought

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

The length of people I love is too long to list. But if you were to do it, it would look like a phone book.

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

In Russia, meanwhile, dedicated young people kept trying to kill the tsar.

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone’s orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a cat guy. Every night as I go to sleep, I have this particular fantasy I indulge in. Most men dream about naked women, but...

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.

Be confident because the odds are in your favor.’ He clears his throat, like talking this much hurts him. ‘Not because you’re a special snowflake.

I don’t get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can’t understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field–court–to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in...

The baloney weighed the raven down, and the shopkeeper almost caught him as he whisked out the delicatessen door.

Thomas: Is it [my brain] fixed?Brenda: It worked, judging from the fact that you’re not trying to kill us anymore…

I might be half Derek’s size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.

Mind you, I’m a fine one to talke. I mean, I killed myself and just look at me now: I’m a qualified pilot, I can escape from a cockpit in five metres of water and...

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a...

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

Miss Edmonton: I don’t even know where to start. It’s too horrifying to even speak of.Jenny: Nonsense. Let’s start with the basics. What did your aunt tell you?Miss Edmonton: My aunt said that my husband...

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn’t get any better than this.”You have low standards,’ Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. ‘If I had two hot girls in my...

the Real-World was a sprawling mess of a book in need of a good editor.

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

If you were to tell the thing down at the bottom of that pit it had napped through forty-two presidential inaugurations, eight British coronations, sixteen popes and three number ones by the Danish pop group,...

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

She said she loves me. Not out loud, but in her mind she said it. I heard it with my heart, telepathically.

The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Sometimes the thing one wants most is the very thing that will get him killed with an axe.

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about?...

What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.