Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

I’m very fond of experimental housekeeping.

It simply isn’t a woman’s nature to be silent for prolonged periods of time.

I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.

It was beautiful in a harsh I’m-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

You sound so reasonable for a man who’s been jilted. Can’t you sound a bit angry? You just lost the best sex of your life. Punch a wall or something!

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.

Yes”, she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, in fact let’s try sex again.” She leaped to her feet and torn open her jeans. “Maybe my magic vagina will cure...

People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily be mistaken for animals—namely politicians.)

All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’–which is just another way of saying that you can’t.

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

French Louis Seymour of the West Canada Creek, who knew how to survive all alone in a treacherous wilderness, and Mr. Alfred G. Vanderbilt of New York City and Raquette Lake, who was richer than...

That water supply is lost revenue for my city’s utility company. The rain that falls on my neighbor’s land is city water, and whether they collect it in barrels or wastefully let it seep into...

William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.

Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.

If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them all one watch, because we all share time, so they can share the...

The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone...

Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket.

I make love like a flower sings. That’s hyperbole, because flowers don’t sing—they only play the guitar.

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

A picture should capture a moment, a place in time you can return to again and again.

We both tried to speak at the same time, and ended up remaining silent the whole night. That’s when I realized we were in love.

Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn’t she look exactly like Cher?’Wow, that’s insane. She...

In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some money and automate the front desk position, because they didn’t have to pay...

Mostly, you just look constipated. Ford, you’d better do the glaring.

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you’ve had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

There’s a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It’s so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over...

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then...

I thought the movie was too short to pay for, and too long to be free. But I’d watch it again, if I were wearing a blindfold and stuffed in the trunk of a car....

Oh, we’re playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

Sleep. It’s like sex. You know it’s good, but you don’t know just how good until you’re not getting any.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a...

He’s such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.””He’s always taking something – generally food.

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

…Her body twitched from his magic. “What is this feeling?” She panted as she asked the question. Her body felt pleasantly soft. His motions slowed and became languid.”It’s called an orgasm,” he replied in that...

I’m grateful for what you’ve done—and I’m ungrateful for what you haven’t done. A cup half full of coffee is also half full of sleep.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

The most temptation I’d experienced had been with Tomas, the Senate’s spy who had been feeding off me without permission, and Mircea, who was probably plotting some nefarious scheme. I have no taste in men.

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...