Not my circus, not my monkeys (but definitely my 27 clowns piling out of a car).

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

I didn’t want to die – not before I’d finished reading The Return of the Native anyhow.

I’ve seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

Less road rage – but also, how about less road beatitude.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

GUYS! Would you give it a rest?” Kevin shouted at them, “You’re standing there feeding off each other! Dad – you’re trying to prove to Ted why me and Dani are a Bad Thing –...

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

She met a dashing man —he was, a dash.

She doesn’t understand that a writer is a special creature–that I’m different from everyone else. I’m not saying I’m superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

I’d like touch screens better if they were furry, like cats.

I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.

I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. “Thank you.” “I just went along for the ride. After that happened-” She waved at Derek. “You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently...

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself “Dijkstra would not have liked this”,...

Control is under the situation.

Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

My foggy brain slid away and— And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it’s a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through...

I am quite scandalous, you see. I come packaged with unpredictable moments, brutal honesty, calamitous outbursts, the ghastly need for love, a fiendish lack of filter, the horrific need to question everything, nauseating affection, offensive...

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?””You may ask.””How old are you?””It’s none of your business

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.

I didn’t feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

He will.

You wanna know why the world is f**ked? This is why, this is exactly why…right here. Get a pen, write this down, this is important…The world is f**ked up because I eat WonderBread preserved with...

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still,...

Call bitch a bitch , no fucking reasons

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.

I don’t believe we should carry backupplans in life’s suitcase—they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spreadinto new timezones…

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I have no regrets. Just original grets.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

I believe in the power of love. Also, I like cats.

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?

Now this might disturb you, but I find I’m OK by myself;and I don’t need you or your benevolence to make sense.

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn’t be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

Men are so easy to manipulate, poor things.

The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.

JACK.I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few...

In fact, Lig never formally resigned his editorship—he merely left his office late one morning, and has never returned since. Though well over a century has now passed, many members of the Guide staff still...

When searching for a missing person, I’ll canvas the area. Like a painter. I make love like Bob Ross, only your happy tree is happier, and I’ll keep your coffee warm—in my stomach.

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform…and so you think you can be rude to me.