Grandfather informs me that is not possible.

I woke up dead.Not only dead…but in hell.I had always been somewhat sketchy on what the afterlife – were there actually such a thing – would be like for a person such as I. From...

Half man, half tree, I have patience—and leaves. Forest fires make me sweat. Let’s go for a walk. You’ll have to push me in a wheelbarrow.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.

[Jem] looked from Will to Tessa and raised his silvery eyebrows. “A miracle,” he said. “You got him to speak.””Just to shout at me, really,” said Tessa. “Not quite loaves and fishes.

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they’re fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same...

Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.

Would you like me to install one of those child playground slides for you?

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

I bet you cook good, huh?” Darlene asked.”Mother doesn’t cook,” Ignatius said dogmatically.”She burns.

I had a dream about you; I’ve had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and the dream you then…Goodnight.

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration...

What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country.” — Willie “Drafted

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl’s shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

Yes, we’ll yell, ‘Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese’.

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.No?”Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on...

And she swung the old oar at him with all her strength.It hit with a great thwack, splintering in two, and he went over the side, into the dark, cold waters of the lake, sinking...

Hey, what is that over there?” and I pointed over your shoulder, and when you turned to look I scribbled my name on the bottom of page one.

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again… I came in through the window… Still, the intent was clear,” said Edward.

You do have that effect on people.

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSoD is the universal screen saver in Hell.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that it is thus my own fault when these people I have been talking about finally stop saying “Ah” and tell me it’s a pity I always do such...

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay...

I cannot say your worships have delivered the matter well when I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables […] our very priests must become mockers if they shall encounter...

Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love.

I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.

It’s okay,” I said soothingly. “You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.”She groaned. “The horrible part is that...

I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

Fantastic. I always like my days better with a touch of insanity,” Gabriella quipped.

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.

We have rules One-Ear.” The man smiled faintly at Mrs. Francis. “Ladies are not to be hacked apart with swords. It reflects badly on pirates in general and on our outfit in particular.

Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe. If you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn’t become obvious yourself.

People who were raised on The Bible can never tell the difference between a warning and an advertisement.

Very Like a WhaleOne thing that literature would be greatly the better forWould be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and metaphor.Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons or Celts,Can’ts seem...