The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!” he screamed.CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.Rice!”PEAS!”And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!

Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.

I’ve never, ever, ever — in my entire life — fought over a man. I’ve fought women who’ve hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend...

It had been an embarrassing moment, like the one you get when you realize for the first time that you have what it takes to become an accountant.

I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the...

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me....

Not that I haven’t leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It’s sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

Two or three years from now thirty won’t look so senile.

He had short hair. The technical term is bald. I’m sure he would have made a better lover if he were wearing a Donald Trump wig.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.

Lebanon is the only country where media kills more than bombs, injures more than guns…and at last they say freedom of speech…

It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away?

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises….

Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.

I just came this morning and haven’t been debriefed yet about the status of our latest prisoners. As a matter of fact, I’d barely stepped inside,

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.

The Lone Ranger of vampires. Did that make me Tonto?

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

Lone women shouldn’t stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces.

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience...

It’s an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.

You scream like a leettle girl.

You’re still here. No beer. I’m not corrupting a minor.””But you’re a minor,” she pointed out. “At least for beer.””Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I’m an adult if I...

I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

The Latin word for sausage was botulus, from which English gets two words. One of them is the lovely botuliform, which means sausage-shaped and is a more useful word than you might think. The other...

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

The opportunity was too perfect to miss. Harry crept silently around behind Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, bent down, and scooped a large handful of mud out of the path.’We were just talking about your friend...

I do not like you.

For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we’ve all had to become disappears, when we’re confronted with something as simple as a plate of food.

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, “Don’t do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son mighthave fallen—or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has...

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were...

What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!