The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

One winter I wrapped myself in newspaper, for warmth and for illiteracy.

I love it when you talk dirty physics.

Love is like walking while riding a bicycle. It’s pretty hard to do when you’re curled up like a cat, sleeping in a wheelchair.

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

I hope the artist who illustrates this work will take care to do justice to his portrait. Mr. Clive himself, let that painter be assured, will not be too well pleased if his countenance and...

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Come on, there’s no one there. You want coffee?” Tess asked.”Yeah, sure, why not? I’m only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don’t imagine why caffeine wouldn’t help this situation.

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Wraith snorted. “Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That’s cheating.””You don’t have a gun?” Kynan asked.Wraith made a face of digust. “It’s not very sporting to shoot people.””So you’re saying that...

I have a Secret. I keep it under my arms in the form of deodorant.

I don’t see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter,” I informed him.

Never run after a man or a bus, there’s always another one in five minutes.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

Love is the darkness that shines in our hearts. I bought you a flashlight. It’s broken, so you know I care.

very simple to earn in india, create a temple that’s it on the name of the any lord.

Hard work would really open doors for me. So would being disabled.

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

Or just one with a boner.

The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing...

You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

I had this vision of the two of us holding hands or getting into some light petting behind shower curtains or up in the fencing aisle or some shit.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

Anyway, I’m in bed with her, with her bracelets. Her face is a blank, so I darken the lights. Off go her silky undergarments. The bracelets are all she has on. They glint slightly, a...

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.

The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

To the stupidity of men, ” Dakota said, raising a glass. “And my brother, who is their king.

Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at you with?) My love for you is Louis Braillesque.

You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!

I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her.

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, ‘To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.

Oh, of course,” said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

Is Lisa going to the prom?’I shelved my worries for the moment. ‘I don’t know, Mom. We don’t talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.’You could go together, if you didn’t want to mess...

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.