I want certain conversations to come equipped with antilock brakes, especially if I’m talking to a real airbag.

All I’m trying to say is that if you’re not willing to observe this, if you’re just going to condemn it, you’re never going to see it. It’s there, whether you like it or not....

This is the fast lane, folks…and some of us like it here.

Have a little sociological beano. As you said – in sociology one can do anything and call it work.

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract…– Rhett

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!

Wild!” Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. “I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…

Someday is not a day of the week.

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent.” Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. “You should have resisted. That’s like blaming someone who was...

I take very few people seriously, and I’m not one of them.

I Think, Therefore I Am … I Think …

I’m a guy.

Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.

JP shouted, “TELL THEM WHAT YOU JUST DID TO EACH OTHER!””Um,” I said.”We kissed,” the Duke said.”That’s kinda gay,” Keun said.”I AM A GIRL.””Yeah, I know, but so is Tobin,” Keun said.

Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.

Pay attention to me.

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.

A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door...

Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and...

I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I’m sympathetic, it usually means I haven’t been around people in awhile.

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

We don’t yet have a body of scientific knowledge about evil to be called a facet of psychology. Therefore, religious reasoning for actions will always be at the discretion of the psychologist, thus making them...

Your ass is mine.

If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there’s lots of Eastern Grays around this area....

Really, I’m trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she’s singing, but it doesn’t appear to be over

Once upon a time, there was this über-creepy old man—who looks like he lives in a haunted shack and eats small children for breakfast—and I decided to make him my new best friend becaaauuse… Okay,...

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has a smile like silk sliding across freshly shaved skin, and she always leaves...

Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can’t make coffee.

Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can’t relate to it. I think most people got into ‘cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all...

For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love to you.

Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

I’ll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who’ll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

I’m the first to admit that I don’t write right. Now, relax and enjoy the show! The sideshow, that is.

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?

It’s my new best friend, Claudius Templesmith, and as I expected it, he’s inviting us to a feast.

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

What are you going to fill it with?” she asks. “Holy water or something?” “Probably Dasani,” Thomas replies.

Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!