Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don’t say that to be mean- I don’t. There was...

A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)

He only drinks when he gets depressed,’ said Carrot. ‘Why does he get depressed?’ ‘Sometimes it’s because he hasn’t had a drink.

Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered 77, then perhaps you talk to yourself in the mirror, and wait for a response from your reflection....

Clearly it’s not all that pacific on the Pacific Ocean

The HAPPIEST people don’t have the BEST of everything… They just drink WINE.

You’re thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren’t quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you’re wrong. There’s no such thing as werewolves. That would just...

Are you any good at it?””Pulling idiots out of the snow? I’m the best.

Why does that kid think so highly of himself?””Kids that think they’re so smart.They’re everywhere! Destroy is self-esteem!””Yes…I really do think highly of myself.People like me should get a taste of the ups and downs...

Younger wizards in particular went about saying that is was time magic started to update its image and that they should all stop mucking about with bits of wax and bone and put the whole...

I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the spring, when all the lovers will flock to see me preform live for...

I had a dream I bought a popcorn maker that would pop pennies into cornuts, so I bought stock in corn wow was I nuts. That’s what my therapist said. He is just plain nuts...

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don’t eat! Who knew?

Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?””I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy’s house at night and throw up...

I’m as much a lover as a cumulous cloud is a beard of God. My mustache can’t make rain the way I make love.

Grandfather informs me that is not possible.

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

Celebrate your disability at Handicapped Parking Spot Day. (Spaces are limited, so reserve your spot today.)

Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with...

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.

Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone’s belongings strewn all over the landing...

Not only did I not win the sweepstakes, but I didn’t even bother to enter. I feel discriminated against.

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not?” Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending...

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake...

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

I bet you cook good, huh?” Darlene asked.”Mother doesn’t cook,” Ignatius said dogmatically.”She burns.

Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two nostrils. I’ve grown fat on the scent of Helen Keller’s memory.

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country.” — Willie “Drafted

New Rule: The White House doesn’t have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don’t pretend we can’t take it. We’ve seen pictures of Britney Spears’s vagina getting out of a car. Television has...

I loved her like I needed her. I soaked her up like a soup bowl made of bread. I’m hungry for her even as I write this now. Somebody get me a spoon!

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl’s shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

Lying flat against the tile of the kitchen floor listening to someone else have sex is essentially my early twenties in a nutshell.

I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be confused with being asleep.

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.No?”Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on...

Diner: Do you serve crabs here?Waiter : We serve anyine; sit down.

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so scratchy that this morning my throat is sore.

The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSoD is the universal screen saver in Hell.

Ew, sicko. I was practicing Edomic.””Sure you were,” Jason said. “You’re just too embarrassed to admit you were playing hide-and-seek all alone. Rachel hiding, nobody seeking.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay...

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.