In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I’ve always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out...

My acupuncturist once told me that it doesn’t have to hurt to work. She might have meant the needles, but I think she really meant love.

Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global “connectitude.” (You people don’t just think outside the box, you think outside the dictionary!)

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

The phone book shouldn’t be arranged alphabetically, but by height. Guess how tall my love for you is. That’s right—taller than Goliath!

I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach...

If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

I would visit Hawaii, but I’m not that strong of a swimmer. My strength is all in my heart, and I love like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body looks.

Since youre here, Courtauld said wearily, youd better explain why these lollipops or whatever they’re called have to be on silk. If I’d had a lollipop I knew precisely where Id stick it.

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!”Talk?’ He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. ‘We...

You sound so reasonable for a man who’s been jilted. Can’t you sound a bit angry? You just lost the best sex of your life. Punch a wall or something!

Football is like a chess match—a chess match where you can beat the shit out of your opponent.

The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

pain demands to be felt..

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved...

As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all...

You’ve already got everything you need to succeed right in-front of your tits

If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them all one watch, because we all share time, so they can share the...

I love hellos that last a lifetime, and goodbyes that are invisible, inaudible, and otherwise undetectable. Tell your mom I’m waving at her.

There’s so much destruction all over the world – and all you can do is complain about ME!

How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.Yes, but if they...

The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone...

My name is Awesome Amazing. My middle name is Lee.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

You’re adopted” smile.

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there’s no one I can turn to with this love.

The roar of the crowd began to grow. He heard them harmoniously stomping their feet in a rhythm that cried out for battle. Gabe glanced across the arena to several cages that were shielded by...

A picture should capture a moment, a place in time you can return to again and again.

Don’t know. It’s never happened.

[Jack] checked his watch, then returned to studying her back. damn if she didn’t have a nice back, too – smooth, unblemished skin, nicely shaped vertebrae-He pulled himself up short. Nicely shaped vertebrae? Was he...

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

I have sewn my own destruction, and it looks like a cat sweater. I knitted matching pants too, because that’s what lovers do. My feelings for you melted in the ice cream cone, and I’m...

Enough of this. Does every conversation with you have to be the director’s cut? Get out of the car.

Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter’s wheel. That’s how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume...

There’s a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It’s so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over...

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer