The sight of her made him understand why he’d lost his faith in God.

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

My nephew is a manipulative, scheming, unscrupulous son of a bitch. And those are his good qualities.

God, don’t laugh!” Jamie said, alarmed. “I didna mean to make ye laugh! Christ, Jenny will kill me if ye cough up a lung and die out here!

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know,” Simon was getting fed up. “Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare...

Vulcan Dis of the Week: Perhaps, t’hy’la, you should perform a mind meld on yourself, in order to determine what the bogozh you’re thinking.

I am not.” Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he’d been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn’t decided which to use first).

Wisdom of the Ages: “Being Poor” Of all the crimes committed in America, undoubtedly the most unforgivable.

Jasmine believes in a prophecy that says she is destined to love a man named Josh Toby. Okay, fine. He could believe that. Hell, he had friends who believed carbohydrates were the work of the...

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

I tried to think of something to say. Excuse me? Hello? Marry me? Anything would have done.

Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. “How much of that did you hear?””Enough to gather that we’re going to a...

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.

The French have the right respect for dogs–in France we chiens get to go to lunch and dinner anytime, anywhere.

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA’s website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA...

It may be to die for, but is it to die and be risen again as one of the undead, doomed to wander soulless through all eternity for?

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

I am hated for loving.I am haunted for wanting.

This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

First of all I express sincerity. There’s also that sense of humor, by which people sometimes learn to laugh about themselves. I mean, the situation is so serious that the people could go crazy because...

I had found by experience that putting things down on paper helped to clear the mind in precisely the same way, as Mrs. Mullet had taught me, that an eggshell clarifies the consommé or the...

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the magical bonding that occurs between two people when duct tape binds them together...

We hate it when our friends become successful.

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

Are you her boyfriend?”…No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?

He’s a ghost, not a carnival magician.-Benny Imura

It’s a long ride home with nothing but me for company. I bore myself sometimes. Not often. Just now and again.

Let’s see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I’d look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn’t I?...

He seemed only … annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. “Yeah, well,” he said, “the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn’t really exist, leave...

The hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that’s impossible to get off one’s shoes.

A vagina is a door to a new world,” I thought as I grabbed the handle and gave it a turn.

Sexual reproduction and food — humans’ two favorite subjects.

I think you’ll find that in the long run, marathons are more of a sprint. So it is with my love, and no matter how many times you flush, the water level remains constant.

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You’ll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

WHAT DOES AN OLD MAN GAIN BY EXERCISINGwhat will he gain by talking on the phonewhat will he gain by going after fame, tell mewhat does he gain by looking in the mirrorNothingeach time he...