I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. “Thank you.” “I just went along for the ride. After that happened-” She waved at Derek. “You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently...

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.

I am becoming morbidly obese as we speak. So what’s the solution? To stop talking.

Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.

Control is under the situation.

Now that I think of it—I don’t know why I would besurprised.

My foggy brain slid away and— And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it’s a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through...

I am quite scandalous, you see. I come packaged with unpredictable moments, brutal honesty, calamitous outbursts, the ghastly need for love, a fiendish lack of filter, the horrific need to question everything, nauseating affection, offensive...

My last two girlfriends both had the same name—and they looked similar. One looked older than the other, but they were in fact the same person.

His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.

I’M SCOTTISH!

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand...

He will.

You wanna know why the world is f**ked? This is why, this is exactly why…right here. Get a pen, write this down, this is important…The world is f**ked up because I eat WonderBread preserved with...

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Call bitch a bitch , no fucking reasons

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

I don’t believe we should carry backupplans in life’s suitcase—they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spreadinto new timezones…

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn’t nipple, although there are similarities.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

Now this might disturb you, but I find I’m OK by myself;and I don’t need you or your benevolence to make sense.

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn’t be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

JACK.I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few...

He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform…and so you think you can be rude to me.

Rachel!” Gabe shouted, rushing forward. Before Gabe could reach her Haim, being closer to where she had fallen through, leapt into the gaping hole after her. The group now only heard Haim’s cries echoing in...

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

One of the best lovers in Hollywood. What would a title like that encompass exactly? she wondered. Technique? Enthusiasm? Or was it more about equipment?

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

For those whose ganglia were formed pre-TV, the mimetic deployment of pop-culture icons seems at best an annoying tic and at worst a dangerous vapidity that compromises fiction’s seriousness by dating it out of the...

Ankh-Morpork is a godless city–”I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?’ said Maladict.Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. ‘Ankh-Morpork is a...

The Sunshine State.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

Out of all the fathers in the world, I am the most like Mother Theresa. Also, I am childless.

Why do humans never do as they’re told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn’t, bad idea.