In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

If she did not wish to lead a virtuous life, at least she desired to enjoy a character for virtue, and we know that no lady in the genteel world can possess this desideratum, until...

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

Oh come on,’Pheobe continued. ‘You’re asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It’s hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.”You should!’ Cassidy agreed....

I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.

If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.

Bush is very clever. When the debate should have been about the deterioration of our cities and the lack of action by government, he sent in his idiot to make an outrageous statement about Murphy...

Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

You didn’t have to go to the fireworks with him. Or – or let him fondle you.””Fondle?” Raisa raised her eyebrows, “When did I mention fondling?

It was dangerous to hit the wrong kid in my neighborhood, because a lot of the guys I played with had fathers in the Mafia.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

I don’t understand why people don’t remember my name.

We’ll know we’ve built a machine that’s truly alive when it commits suicide.

Look at the size of his Naples!

How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let’s just carry it over. It’ll...

Rather than continue kicking the can down the road, let us gather up the can, and deposit it in a roadside trash receptacle.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Control is under the situation.

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.

There really isn’t much use in getting into a pissing contest since I have to sit down to pee anyway.

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone’s life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital’s Christmas party.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others…

Inadequate.

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

You run away to join another circus.

I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because...

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself....

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold...

Secret 4081312. Every bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

Mom, camping is not a date; it’s an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

It’s all life is. Just going ’round kissing people.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

The pockmarked and chalk-white sidewalk was like the surface of the moon, and I felt like Neil Armstrong as I walked along in my space boots and white helmet with my visor flipped down. Of...

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.