Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.

Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock.” Hector

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

Wow. What’d he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn’t set the building on fire in the first place.

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

Christianity is such a silly religion.

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers’ head.

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a...

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

I hate you, too.

What are you assholes looking at?” “Nothing,” said Radar. “We’re certainly not looking at your eyebrows.

A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.

When you’re writing these things, you’re in a room making each other laugh, you really have very little sense of political correctness or incorrectness. This is a question that Europe tends to ask and America...

Saludé a mis padres, quienes estaban sonriendo con orgullo, como siempre charlando con un extraño cualquiera junto a ellos. Sonreí, mi madre podria seriamente iniciar una conversación con un mudo.

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.

Look, I’m a guy. Your ass was touching my groin. Of course I’m going to pop a boner. It’s a natural reaction.

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

Don’t see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something.”He cast his eyes downward and didn’t look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy....

Sex before love is like a bandage before a wound.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, ‘Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?’ I said, ‘I wanted this girl and...

Let come the forces of night! We will stand!” “We will get the hell out of here is what we will do,” I muttered.

It doesn’t matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn’t cry.

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like...

What a schmuck!

Rayna found a makeover show on TV-one of those where they sneak up on unsuspecting people going about their business, accost them with camera, and tell them they look like crap in front of a...

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Don’t come closer to me at any time without make-up. I may slap and make you feel the taste of death.

Vampires didn’t faint like Southern belles at the sight of blood.

She blinked. “Hmm? Oh, don’t care. What did Anubis look like to you?””What did… he looked like a guy. So?””A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?””I guess… Not the dog-headed guy.””I knew it!” Sadie...

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.

Así es. ,Sabes?, Bianca di Angelo no es la única que tiene un hermano irritante. Ya va siendo hora de que conozcas a mi muy irresponsable gemelo. Apolo. – Artemisa.

Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: ‘So You Think...

Marcus couldn’t believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he’d been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of...

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

Wisdom of the Ages: “National Symbol” With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn’t our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Iggy. This is not a democracy,” I said,(…)”It’sa Maxocracy.