You know it feels good. I can hardly geta…I don’t even…”There was something amusing about watching him trying to form a coherent sen-tence. Amusing, but arousing at the sametime.

And honestly, given the choice of facing my mother or a vampire, I think I’d always choose the latter.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,’ Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he’d beaten down the riverman to a decent price for...

I can’t read your mind, you idiot.

I play basketball on Sundays and I’m a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

A true friend doesn’t have guts; they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable...

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

Honestly, I feel like I am a leading man, and it’s just going to take the right project, the female and the right studio. It’s got to all gel together, you know what I mean?

I love ghosts; I prefer ghosts to some people.

I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning– and a child’s more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even...

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

No, no. Don’t make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man’s confidence.

If you’re a struggling artist having money problems just superglue a brick in the middle of a blanket, and call it art. Someone will buy it.

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

We conquer the Independence Day aliens by having a Macintosh laptop computer upload a software virus to the mothership (which happens to be one-fifth the mass of the Moon), thus disarming its protective force field....

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

A ghostly smile flickered across his face. “If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around.” “Funny, I feel that way about you too.” He didn’t say anything else, but the smile grew,...

Bir ilk buluşmada kadın rahatça yemek yiyorsa, o erkeği çoktan elemiştir kafasında.

I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my eyes off his body, just the sight of his abs or arms was enough to make me want to get naked and let Carlo take over anything...

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

I guess I can’t blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

I bet she likes it hard, from behind, probably likes to get spanked too. I mean, just look at her, she has a serious come-fuck-me-face.

Arguin’,” Carlos says matter-of-factly.

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

So they ended up turning this little twenty eight page book into the movie. And it’s all about this stinky, smelly ogre who doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him.

Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I´d imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and...

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.

What kind of person doesn’t let you have gummi bears?

I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their...

Of course, I’d like to have fake legs. I would dance with a boy and then afterwards pull up my dress to show him my fake legs, just to watch him fall over from the...

Hey, he’s not using a holster,” I said, glancing at Alex’s on the dresser. He laughed out loud. “Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It’d be so great if these things were...

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

The waitress walk away. Everyone look’s at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money...

Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain