Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

The room fell silent. I frankly didn’t know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help,...

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

Am Anfang war Gott? It may have been true, but it was not germane.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

I haven’t eaten all day.” You see, Jefferson truly reflected early America at that time. He was hungry, and I think you’ll find that most successful people are.

I can attest to that.

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

You are the night.””I am the night,” I repeated.”You are the night.”I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. “I am the night?””Jane!””Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like...

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

I’m not sure what ‘batting an eye’ means, but it sounds like it could be pretty fun.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy.

Coach,” Annabeth said, “it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep.””Besides,” Percy said, “you’re starting to sound like Terminus.”Hedge narrowed his eyes. “Is that an insult, Jackson? ‘Cause I’ll-I’ll Terminus you, buddy!

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

All right,” Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. “Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?” Okay, so I’m a little distracted. “He’s doing the back stroke.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

Well, then, Otter, of course I don’t like Bundt cake. It has eggs in it. Baby chicken eggs. You don’t see chickens standing outside of maternity wards waiting to get our babies to make their...

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

Yoga pants often answer questions I didn’t ask.

If you look up to see a shooting star, you might miss the silver dollar on the sidewalk. But no matter where you look, or where you travel, you’ll never get lost or arrive late...

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That’s like fate, but much more dramatic.

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said. “You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the...

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

I’m going to have to give him shit for all this,’ Shane said, as he wandered around. ‘He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?”People who like things neat?”Its not natural.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

I don’t know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones.

If she did not wish to lead a virtuous life, at least she desired to enjoy a character for virtue, and we know that no lady in the genteel world can possess this desideratum, until...

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

If a weakly mortal is to do anything in the world besides eat the bread thereof, there must be a determined subordination of the whole nature to the one aim no trifling with time, which...

Oh come on,’Pheobe continued. ‘You’re asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It’s hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.”You should!’ Cassidy agreed....