She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Monsters have the worst taste in women.

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn’t been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.

Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I’m just saying.” – Warren

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

I’ve got yours.

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn’t be enough to go around.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

Well,” he said, “I think we’ve found our way in. We just wait until they’re duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don’t have a lot of staying power or they’d have...

No, I believe in the good will of the United States’ administration.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

I didn’t say that! I find you completely resistible.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

…Alright, Mandy Valems,” Alecto agreed.

When there were no customers, he thought about geometry. He tried to perform the Pythagorean Theorem on the light fixture above him, given his estimate of its circumference, but he failed. He wanted to be...

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

Altman was told they wouldn’t do the film with me. He could easily have abandoned me, but he stood by me and really bailed me out.

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their...

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do...

And then came the three-toed sloth. Stupid sloth. It was a crazy-looking beastie, all arms and bristling grey fur; its body was a blob, the kind of shape a six-year-old would draw for a pig,...

The same beautiful receptionist greeted Christian who had met him before and she extended the same lush invitation as she had the last time. Victoria’s eyes narrowed and Christian chuckled under his breath at her...

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.

Don’t go to the circus.

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won’t pull over. He slams the horn.”Arthur,” I say.The car doesn’t yield.”Arthur,” I say.He hits...

STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

… an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.

I hear that all too often.

No punching?” he asked.”No.””No kicking?””No.””How about arm wrestling?””No. And before you ask, we’ve avoided Slug Bug, Slap Bets, and any and all Dance-Offs.”Fate Succumbs

He could do with some lunch. Especially since that bastard Sloane gave his Cheesy Doodles away. What kind of guy does that? A bastard, that’s who. Did he not respect the male code of honor—thou...

I shot a deaf man. And just to be sure, I used a silencer.

Loki’d!

Most people are idiots

I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist

I am a teacher. Pay close attention – this will be on the test. You don’t wreck buildings. You don’t take children hostage. And you don’t threaten people with violence. Okay class dismissed. Looks like...

Tambua vitu vya muhimu katika maisha yako ijapokuwa unaweza kuacha alama katika dunia bila kujitambua baada ya kuondoka.

You try almost dying, being chased, thenhopping in a car with a complete (horny)stranger.

She’s Prim’s size in diameter.