I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close.

Weetzie could see him–it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. “Lanky Lizards!” Weetzie exclaimed.”Greetings,” said the man in an odd voice,...

I learned that you don’t have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious...

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

It’s because you aren’t thinking very clearly tonight.””I know. Being Drunk is weird.””Oh my god. I love you so much. Especially when you say stuff like that.””Like what?””Nothing. Never mind. Although I’m dying to know...

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, “I love you.” “Oh my God,” I thought. “Somebody’s obsessed with...

When it’s all said and done remember, “You are only as old as you look.

We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.

She’s in the Catskill,” Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. “Ouch!”I just wanted to distract you,” Scathach explained. “Don’t even think about Black Annis. There are some names that should never...

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

Would you have done that in his place? Would you have left him and gone on?””Of course I would!” Halt replied immediately. But something in his voice rang false and Horse looked at him, raising...

She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

Are you two you know?” Jacob pointed at us. ” Together? Together? ” I didn’t get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was...

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

I have lots of energy.

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

I’m sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don’t even like the game very much, I think it’s...

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry to say that he’s very nice and there’s not much bad to say about him. I don’t know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don’t...

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.

First of all is the fact that I have some rather good turns of phrase. I don’t say that pridefully … it’s just that when a line I forgot about smacks me in the face...

I love being an older comic now. It’s like being an old soccer or an old baseball player. You’re in the Hall of Fame and it’s nice, but you’re no longer that person in the...

These are Plenimaran marines, and there’s not much most of them aren’t capable of, if you take my meaning.””I don’t think I do,” said Alec, puzzled by Seregil’s tone.”Then try this. They have a saying...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

how romantic.

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.

In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

Sun Tzushi.

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what year is it? I’ve been asleep since the 80s.

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.