I want you to get a haircut so you don’t look like Ish Kabibble on a rainy night.

This is precisely why I loathed being a teacher! Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything. Has it not occurred to you, my poor puffed-up poppinjay, that there might...

Well,” Ben went on,”someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world’s largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They’re located in a special display case known as ‘my...

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like,...

A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they normally serve.

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. “Mercy Lynne, you’re cheatin’ again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.””I’m itchin’ ta...

I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

The world is in trouble because of a few funny sympathetic philosophers

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

Coordinating the retreat was important too, so important that Jiaan had assigned Aram as Fasal’s assistant, to be sure he didn’t overlook anything important. Like the fact that they were supposed to retreat.

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

He should probably make love to her.

Pleased to meet you.” Sage said, offering his hand. “The pleasure is all mine,” Rayna Purred. “Unless ofcourse, it’s all Clea’s which is even better.”Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was...

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I...

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

Televators Broken

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing.

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Humility” If you don’t have it, you’re gonna get it.

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.

I don’t like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I’ve never heard a phone ring before and I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Hello?

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should’ve been before sunrise and pre-coffee.

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

So he slips his head off of Jeff’s shoulder and slides out from under Evan’s Armand shuffles down to the bottom of the bed. It doesn’t have a lot of dignity this part of their...

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some...

Rose’s work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be...

I’m done. I’m going to go to bed and read important books about theater.””It would would be easier if you just said porn,” Scarlett said.”No idea what you’re talking about. But knock first if you...

Larry’s such a liar—He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three...

I found this, though,” Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. “Gas-X! Like, ‘X’ for explosion! This is great! I’m thinking I rig this with a detonator and-“”Did you find that in the...

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.