Mr. A calls me into his office and says he’s got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

anything that i dont know from everthing i know is just nothing but something not unusual . the most simple reality on the whole wide Universe .

I can’t believe he didn’t have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,” said Jace. “I must say, I’m disappointed in the little fellow.

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

What’s big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?” “I don’t know, but can you introduce me?

So it’s true what they say about warlocks, then?”Alec gave him a very unpleasant look. “What’s true?””Alexander,” said Magnus coldly, and Clary met Simon’s eyes across the table. Hers were wide, green, and full of...

I don’t like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I’ve never heard a phone ring before and I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Hello?

real” relationship?

Forgive me, madam,” he said lightly, amused, “but waiting to make love to you again is straining my nerves.” She scoffed but she was quite shaken; he could see it in her expression, in the...

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

I love you” isn’t romantic. Still, I get credit for rowing, right?

Woah, their gorgeous not so fast I haven’t even catched your name or your number” – Jaxson Evans

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some...

When I’m old and I brush my teeth and her dentures, I’ll smile because that is love—and that is disgusting.

So, if you’re doing good longform with talented people than you can step out and you can be the president or a construction worker and people accept that. It’s really the roles you give yourself.

Larry’s such a liar—He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three...

She had no legs, so I made her wear suspenders and I carried her like a backpack. True love knows no luggage.

While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a...

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked ‘out of syllabus’ questions by life!

That’s the key, you know, confidence. I know for a fact that if you genuinely like your body, so can others. It doesn’t really matter if it’s short, tall, fat or thin, it just matters...

No, officer, I have no idea why I’m wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad.”-Nastasya

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is ‘please’? That’s not true. The magic word is ‘puke’. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

Jeff- “A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you’d like to add, Walter?”Walter- “Accept Jesus as your Savior or you’ll burn in Hell for all...

His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I’m going to let him bite me? No way. It’s too risky and way too guy.

Sane is boring.

Antonio,” Ash groaned, “you know I hate it when you eat at my desk.” “I know,” Antonio replied, “but I don’t mind and so long as one of us is reasonable, I figured why not?

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it’s like they weren’t even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out...

you’re so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

If that’s the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake,” Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, “I’m all for fighting tyranny and oppression.

He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. “There,” she finished, slapping Frank Zappa’s Greatest Hits on top of the pile. “That should do for a start.” “You are a...

You’ve brushed your teeth,” He says, staring at me.”I used your toothbrush.”His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely.

I said, ‘The Queen thinks the King’s a pussy for sending her to retrieve me. I dare him to catch me if he can.

Of course I do, Jack! You have to beLIEve me!

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

I’m a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.

How did you get in here?’ (…) ‘How I got here isn’t important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net

America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.