Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

Suits obviously had helped to promote bad government and he was as guilty as anyone for wearing them so steadfastly for twenty years. Of late he had become frightened of the government for the first...

Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.

He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take...

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

I practice safe sex – I use an airbag.

He dug his heels into his horse’s flanks and sped down the path. He heard the others call out behind him, but he ignored them. He was sure Karl and Johan and the others would...

Jake wasn’t about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and...

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I could’ve knocked the shit out of her .She’d have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn’t my style. Heckling them every chance I got was....

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the...

The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is…42!

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

I’ve been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don’t even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I’m changed. Now I feel regular. I...

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

He didn’t want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here

The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her.

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

…Neferet fell smack on her butt.

The character was so strong, particularly because of that distinctive voice, that nobody could picture me in any other type of role.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

My parents didn’t raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on...

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

All right, baby,” Daphne crooned.”Talk to Mama and tell me all your secrets. . . .

I should go in alone,” Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. “If we both go in, it’ll look to official.””So I’ll just stay out here?” Skulduggery asked. “But what’ll I do? There’s no one...

Graham’s life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

You’ll blow up a helicopter, but you won’t go out with me? What is wrong with you?

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

you think you’ve never been wrong before?”-alex”sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion....

Uphill? There’s nothing up the hill,” Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going.”As a matter of fact, there is. There’s a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running...

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

Cameron is incredibly charming. I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels four times.

Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

BARRELS!

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it...

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers...

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the...

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?