Hard-ons don’t make you think less. They make you think stupid.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya’s father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

I want to write a book called, “Ten Steps to Asexuality.” Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

I was just turned last week. I’m a librarian.”He stilled, as if I’d just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. “I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was...

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

Love is, or you isn’t.

What’s said in silence is best viewed in darkness. I learned that while reading a bowl of Alphabet Soup.

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

No, this trick wont work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers.” She slapped my back. “Welcome to high school.

Wait a minute, hold on… The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?

Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.

Cooking without wine is like sex alone. You may get the job done, but you don’t really care once it’s over.

You’re right, my problems are the biggest problems ever,” George said. “No, honestly, it’s horrible to be me. I’m rich, talented, and I make girls cry.””How do you make girls cry, exactly?”George turned to her....

Its Batteries! I just know it!

I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to us. Your word was hello, and my word was goodbye. You made me...

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

I snuck a look to see how Eric was taking this, and he was staring at me the same way the Monroe vampires had. Thoughtful. Hungry.”That’s interesting,” he said. “I had a psychic once. It...

I love the sound of it,” Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. “It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself – but he lacked Will’s tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

It was an emergency!” Seth blurted. “Read my lips – emergency reading – not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head,...

I knitted a sweater to look like a swimming bird, and pretty soon the whole world looked like it tasted like duck soup. My love is coffee-shaped and without chug.

I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you’d realized that by now.