Secret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn’t what it isn’t.

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

You okay?””Fine.””Your heart’s beating really fast.””Gee, thanks. That’s very comforting that you can hear it.”He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she’d first met before all the vamp stuff.”Yeah, I know it...

Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Kind of is, actually.

A stone trips you. A daisy reaches up and pulls you down.

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

I feel my brains, like a pear, to see if it’s ripe; it will be exquisite by September.

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different.

Don’t even think of arguing with me. I’m an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.

I am the mouth that represents the People’s Republic of Chin

I don’t know if I ever really bought into the eternal damnation bit.

I’m afraid of fear, men named Raef, and palindromes.

There is absolutely no way that I would enter that world. I would never run for office.

Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your...

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to...

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

If I were a pervert, I’d be looking for something a damn bit more attractive than you, jackass. And definitely someone that smelled alive.

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

Pe domnul Van der Hoph însă c nd îl văd îmi vine să-l m ng i pe cap, ca pe un băiețel. Cred că altceva trebuie să inspire un bărbat.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!

Thou art a very ragged Wart.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

Ish #19 “If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

she shall scant show well that now shows best.

Lucien had never prayed before, never imagined that there might be a deity listening who would be interested in what he had to say, so his supplication skills were a tad rusty.But now Lucien prayed.Please...

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick?

She grinned, looking for all the world like a sticky-mouthed little girl who had just convinced her gullible mother that she really did drop the first piece of candy into the storm drain and would...

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so...

I guess we know who got the good genes.”I laugh at the expression on Caleb’s face, his mouth drawn into a slight pucker and his eyes wide.

What’s a dementor?”I mean, I can’t even. “Nora, you are no longer my sister.””So it’s some Harry Potter thing,” she says.

The intercom buzzes while you’re changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: “Who is it?” “Narcotics squad. We’re soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs.

It’s sometimes shocking to find out what people really believe in.

Tell the Queen that there’s been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I’m...

The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Yeah. Isn’t it great?

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.

SHUT UP. Both of you. You’re coming with me.” To me he said, “Put some pants on.””Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister...

Don’t say anything. Just act cool,” I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.”Like this?” it asked.”No, I mean act calm.”Mavkel stopped shivering.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.