Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

If debates accomplished anything, there wouldn’t be a need for intelligence agencies.

“Surely you have considered terrorist activity?”There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere,...

Rather than waste a whole day, I would rather spend it counting to 86,400.

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie’s sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

Maybe when I’m 75 and living in the south of France, after everyone I want to bitch about is already dead, then I may want to talk about my life in Hollywood.

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look...

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

You’re loco, Carlos. Insane. Totally crazy… Most guys think they’re imperfect for still being virgins past the age of seventeen.

I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.

Agatha was so tight-fisted she could squeeze a penny and strangle Abe Lincoln.

For all of life’s problems, blame my father. He was never there for me, not even at conception.

All the letters from A to Z couldn’t express what you mean to me. Not without cloning them and using some over and over

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

The value of me is equal to 5097033198, but also 3051982. The first is my phone number, and the second is my birthday. I assign values to people. My fifth grade bus driver had a...

If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

Happiness held is the beginning; happiness shared is the blossom

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.

All I can think about is bed.””We’re sharing the same thought.””You’re thinking about bed too?” But Patch had told me that he rarely slept. “I’m thinking about you in my bed.

My name is Mr Bread.” He began writing his name neatly on the board. “But you can call me Peter.”Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.”Pita Bread!” proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the...

The world is your lobster!

I said I was sorry, Dani…” Kevin said, as they entered the apartment.”I’m so not talking to you.””I couldn’t help it! She was so funny, and you were blushing, and… gawd, Dani, I couldn’t help...

There wasn’t a lot of bullshit in my heaven.

At the door, Audrey called, “Are you coming?””No, just breathing hard, love.” He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, “Oh, my God!

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I’ve never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there’s like 900 of ’em lined up, there’s a salesman there. What’s...

Be careful you don’t cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.”Girls don’t shave’, Arya said.’Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa’s legs?

Well, go on then, Abby; run along and let the nice man compromise you.

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

Come on,” I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don’t much care about anyone’s sensibilities anymore. I am...

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of...

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

There was expectations that the fights there, the operation there might be extended for several months, even for several years. But within a few weeks it ended, because obviously the Taliban wasn’t a real force.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.