Is there any good news?’ Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there’d be good news?

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you...

She was teaching Lilykit and Seedkit how to reach under the wall of the warriors’ den and catch stray tails yesterday.

Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Barzûl!

Don’t look now, but that’s my ex over there.”Surely I’m not the only one who takes “don’t look now” as “there’s no better time than now.” I looked.”Bad, Ali!” Another slap to my arm. “Bad,...

Henry narrowed his eyes at me. “You going somewhere?””Lacrosse field trip,” I said. “I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.

Fanya kazi kwa bidii na maarifa!

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.

I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. “I can’t believe you just did that!”...

A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I don’t always say that. I say other stuff too.

You couldn’t be romantic if your life depended on it.” “You know what’s lucky? Most bad guys don’t ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won’t matter.

Look, why don’t you go talk to Ron about all this?” Harry asked.”Well, I would, but he’s always asleep when I go and see him!” said Lavender fretfully.”Is he?” said Harry, surprised, for he had...

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.

Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Nothing is better than eternal happiness. So eternal happiness is beaten by a ham sandwich.

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

Excuse me?” I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. “Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.” “I don’t eat the kind of pie they serve here.” I felt a flash of heat go...

I’m fairly competant as a director and actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don’t have enough confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally. Start with...

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

Whatever would give you the idea that I’m her damn brother?

My table seats eight, so that’s my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn’t get wrecked that way.

Brick!”

Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They’re like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous— and cool like Johnny Depp.

I remember calling the council’s cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

Free sex with room.”

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

I’ve got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I...

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. “Okay, look.” Deb’s face was dead serious. “I know I just joined this project, and I don’t want to offend anyone. But I’m going to be honest. I...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

Ah, damn it, lass,’he called after her. ‘I’ve busted my stitches wide open.”What?’she cried, hurrying back to him. ‘Let me see!”Ah-ha!’ He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.’You...

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou saw’st thien own knee?

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!