It’s not called being gay, it’s called being fabulous!

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you’ll go blind.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

I have a bad grammar, but I do have a good message in it.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn’t quite possible.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

Huh,” Leo said. “Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You’re not a total klutz.”She smirked. “A job, eh?” Making things in your forge?””Nah, we could start...

I want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

Jason hated being an old man.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don’t worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They’ll never get to be swans

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I’m going to ask you to sit still, or I’ll put you in the trunk.

This doesn’t mean you’re getting a discount.”Audrey heaved a mock sigh. “Oh well. I guess I’ll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.”Gnome choked on the soup. “I’m old enough to be your grandfather!”Audrey...

I’m here today because I hated everything else.

It’s equally my obligation as a comedian to point out what is wrong with us and get us talking about our problems as it is pointing out what’s wrong (with) the way, for example, the...

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

Don’t cross me Scooby-Doo. I’m not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him...

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

You can call me Grandpa, if that does it for you.

(Sookie’s Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.

I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.

Like your zodiac sign? Percy asked. ‘I’m a Leo.’No, stupid,’ Leo said. I’m a Leo. You’re a Percy.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it’s great, but sometimes you just don’t feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

Life is like Tetris; if it doesn’t fit, just flip it over

I just know.”-Luke and Clary, pg.209-

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

Let’s just stand still. Maybe whoever it is won’t notice us. It’s dark out anyway.” Both boys knew it could just be someone from the local village but their hearts were starting to beat faster...

What’s so funny?””-Sorry,” David said, reddening again. “You just taste so sweet.””-What do you mean, sweet?”He licked his bottom lip one more time.”-You taste like honey.””-Honey?””-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day…well, you...

You’re late.” I stopped, my jaw open and slack, because I knew she was right. I was late—but for what? I was late for love.

Claire found herself staring at his feet, which were in bunny slippers. Myrnin looked down. “What?” he asked. “They’re quite comfortable.” He lifted on to look at it, and the ears wobbled in the air....

How’s that a duel?””He who can still sing after the most drinks is winner. Plus, soon’ everyone is so drunk that they forget what argument was about.”Teft laughed. “Beats knives at dawn, I suppose.

A bear trap eats, but does not drink. My love, however, drinks, but does not eat.

Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?

We have in the last two years, we have passed 350 legislation in the parliament, most of which deal with democratization, human rights, and of course, economy.

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover, just before I hit on them.

Peyton, I’m not married and you’re not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

Yeah, it’s a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.