Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they’ve vanished, but no, they...

The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.

I did some acting in high school, I knew I really liked it.

Wedded she some years, and to a manOf fifty, and such husbands are in plenty;And yet, I think, instead of such a ONE’Twere better to have TWO of five and twenty…

Sqwaak!” from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood.

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

All lines are gray in the dark.

I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.

He says black, I say white and we do grey

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

I find it interesting that Jesus was born the same day every year and rises from the dead a different day every year

If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

When a guy at the urinal says to me, “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it,” I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, “Shh. I’m about...

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of...

How do I know you’re who you say you aren’t?

All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there’s no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don’t-need-a-mirror kind of way.

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

All he’d done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground.

It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

You can’t put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I’d demand coupons for clones.

Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these...

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her...

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods,...