So we are fulfilling our task in preventing serious armament stocks in Iraq within our possibilities.

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you...

I’m selling a rainbow in a bowl (no spoon included). I’m calling it Love Soup, even though it’s nothing more than tap water.

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

I’m leaving the door partly open,” he says as he follows Tegan. “You scream if you need me.”Once he is outside, Richard says, “He does realize that if he hears your scream, it’s already too...

Give it to me. Inject it,” I’d say. To be destroyed so efficiently. But I settled for less.

Henry narrowed his eyes at me. “You going somewhere?””Lacrosse field trip,” I said. “I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more...

This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start...

Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is ‘good-bye sucker.

Happy endings. *Groan*

You couldn’t be romantic if your life depended on it.” “You know what’s lucky? Most bad guys don’t ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won’t matter.

People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.

Get him now?” Duncan asked. He looked at the sword in his hand. Unsure of what he should do, he tossed the weapon at the giant. The sword flipped through the air a couple of...

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Theatres are curious places, magician’s trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and...

I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.-Dex to Sloane

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

My arms and legs fell asleep. Silence of the Limbs.

Would you prefer swive? Tup? Dance the buttock jig?

I’m fairly competant as a director and actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don’t have enough confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally. Start with...

Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

Sikujui.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?” she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man....

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

My table seats eight, so that’s my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn’t get wrecked that way.

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

How did you not know they broke up? You usually monitor his social media like he’s al-Qaeda and you’re the CIA.

I remember calling the council’s cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless..

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

The funny thing about writing is that whether you’re doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That’s actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I...

You were spying on me?” I repeated, this time my tone was stern.”Nonsense! I was making sure you were safe.” He answered, fluttering his wings and landing in front of me. “That’s what friends do.

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. “Okay, look.” Deb’s face was dead serious. “I know I just joined this project, and I don’t want to offend anyone. But I’m going to be honest. I...

Count yourself fortunate.” He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. “Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish...

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou saw’st thien own knee?

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.