When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we’re prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

Soul, love, joy and natural beauty shines first from within. Make time for quiet reflective moments. Be still and know there is more than just Botox and pink martinis for women over 40.

Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

I’m fascinated by idiots… Here’s looking at you, kid!

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don’t need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I’ll make you a rich...

Would you like to see it?

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. “That’s the only reason I’m letting you go. If I had any choice–“”You do,” she said “Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or...

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear… from my future Kids’ Funny Business.

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m...

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can’t buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer