Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

Broke is a relative term, like sister, cousin, or Uncle Sam.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

I can smell a whisper from two secret admirers away. Of all the Men’s rooms, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into this one.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

Don’t alter my altar. I don’t believe you don’t believe.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

I had a dream about you. Aside from you, The Carpenter was also there. I was a cross between a hammer and a nail, and I was looking for a way to build myself up....

I have been writing for about eleven years now. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years, I hope to be Elford.

If you love me, wait until you meet my clone!

When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform so they can applaud me and throw me flowers and business. I always...

If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they just shit themselves; and if I’m crying, my eyes get lighter and greener,...

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

Here’s a towel to dry your tears. I just wiped my ass with it.

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.

I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like...

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Man has to eat, so thank God some food tastes good. However, if men had no taste buds, or sense of smell, all food would be good. So hooray! And also boo for boring. That’d...

I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.

Get me a slinky.

Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

The key to making supreme Snuggle Pudding is mixing in enough cat.

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your...

My cat is a meow factory. Why can’t he manufacture something more profitable, like love?

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

I travel by foot. It’s like a wheelchair in a microwave it’s so easy to camel. I sleep on a pillow made of coffee, and I’d ask you to turn out the light when you’re...

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination.

Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?

I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

In real life I was alone, but in my dream I was in a crowd, and that’s why I farted. But being the gentleman that I am, I blamed it on your dad.

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

I’ve aged more this past week than I did in all six days that preceded it. Will you still love me tomorrow, when I’m an older man?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t trust a beautiful woman. One minute she’s smiling at you seductively, and the next she’s trying to stab you with the pen you wouldn’t...

I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I brought the jellyfish.

A blanket could be used as a tank, if you rearrange the letters and leave out the leb. But why would you leave out the leb? That’s the most dangerous part. (The leb is the...

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)