There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

Not many men will love you like me. Of course, I’m not many men. I’m just several men. Or I will be, once my clones arrive.

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick.

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

Sales is a solo endeavor, a cold and lonely venture. Or it can be viewed in that aloof manner. It can also be viewed as something warm and symbiotic, and I think that’s what all...

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)

Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

He not only stood three inches taller than me, but I sold him two of those three inches. (The third inch I tossed in for free.)

I’m walking downstairs and upstairs at the same time. I’m in love.

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This makes me the superior land animal.

While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.

If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night and decide for yourself.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

What two sides do I want with my dinner? The left and the right side.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.