The sky was as blue as orange could get. I love sunsets at noon, and forks disguised as spoons.

I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.

I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?

18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.

My attic is the size of a can of cat food, only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see, I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.

I may not carry a detective’s badge, but I’m certainly the highest ranking member of Albatross Harbor’s neighborhood watch program. And like tilapia, I know something smells fishy when I taste it. In my neighborhood,...

No matter how great you are, you could always be greater. Let this be a lesson in the need to lessen the size of your ego.

I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.

My ego is crying out to be heard. Like a kidnap victim.

Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.

Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I’ll call you too, because...

If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.

I always carry around a spade, because I never know when I’ll have to dig my own grave—slowly. Give me coffee or give me death. Or sleep.

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I am. I’m a thoughtful guy.

My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.

When I think about my dad, I start clapping. I’m not applauding because he lived, but because he died.

Nothing is the best thing I’ve ever not worn. Also, nothing is the best thing I’ve ever worn. Nudity never goes out of style.

Knowledge is ignorance. I know so much that I know I know so little. I used to think your name was a synonym for love, but now I just don’t know.

The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.

I found a body today. It was mine, so I played with it.

Poor people are the salt of the earth. They should be sprinkled on icy roads, along with pretzels.

I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2...

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

America is not a place, America is an idea—an idea that died along with my grandpa. And I’m sad to say I shot them both.

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.

I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.

What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.

If I had a clone, he’d better be my equal, and not my better. Can you imagine how I’d feel being jealous of myself?

A country bumpkin doesn’t know bupkis about a kiss. I know, because I don’t even know what bupkis means.

The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously massaging my left hand with my right hand. I am clenching my jaw...

I’d like to build a boat out of those little wooden planks that Starbucks provides to stir your coffee. The boat will be dedicated to our love, and it will take a lifetime to complete.

I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis. She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.

The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who owned a one-story building. He didn’t buy from me, but he did sell...

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out of asking her.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...