You should shoot. I should shoo.

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?

I don’t like hot coffee that’s cold, or iced coffee that’s hot. Or leftover love in a rusty thermos.

I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.

The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

I have a coffee table, but I don’t like it. I think it could use some more cream and sugar. Plus, it’s entirely too liquid to be a functional piece of furniture.

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart.

This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another pen, because this one’s not only super glued...

In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I...

Sometimes love will break your heart in two. Or three, depending on if there’s an extra person involved, or how unmanageably large your heart is.

Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.

I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!

If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics. Think how far behind unmotivated and lazy people lag now after only 65...

On my list of things to be when I grew up was a character in a Gary Larson comic. With one of his books in my hands, I would spend hours and hours laughing. And...

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

“Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.

Love is as iffy as Kipling.

Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?

I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.

The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they need to know. However, what they need to know, I do not know.

I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.

I found out who my real dad is on Facebook. I also found out who he isn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he isn’t.

A rose will wilt in short time, but my garden is more vivacious for having one in it. Love is even more fragrant, but often just as fragile and fleeting, but I eagerly accept the...

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.

When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.

A cat’s meow can be a scream, a laugh, a sigh, a hello, a yes, and even an I love you.

Children are like geniuses, only smarter. Ocala has more creative kids than any other city named Ocala. That’s scientific, because there is only one city named Ocala, and it was named after a city not...

I’m a fountain of knowledge, like a water fountain, only thirstier. And quenchier.

I pet my cat like a guitar, but I hold him like a stack of musical pancakes.

Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked them out in the lab. Why sell your soul to the devil, when...

I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.

A sample may taste better than the whole, because it’s meant for a taste test, which is perceptually expected to garner favorable results. This is why I can’t give you all my love. Plus, you...

My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years. No, farther. Five years ago I embarked on a journey that led me to this point,...

Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes for goats too, you pervert.

third wheel,” I rode my tricycle to the restaurant where they were having their first date. I didn’t bring my wallet, so I hope they don’t mind paying for my dinner too. Ah, but that’s...

Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket. But the best part was that her boots almost matched her jacket. I...

Love means more to me than you’ll ever know. Well, unless the person reading this is my clone. But then my question is: what are you doing reading? Get back to work, slave, and make...

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

I want certain conversations to come equipped with antilock brakes, especially if I’m talking to a real airbag.

I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.