Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.

My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.

If I could adorn myself with a question, I’d wear a where. It would never go out of style, because location is everything.

I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my clone had it stored in a cryogenic freezer.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

Love is like a trapdoor for the heart .

The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

I love hellos that last a lifetime, and goodbyes that are invisible, inaudible, and otherwise undetectable. Tell your mom I’m waving at her.

It’s not easy to run in such a way that makes it look like you’re walking.

Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry.

When describing myself, I don’t use superlatives. Just normal latives. And if I use the same word more than once to describe myself, it’s a relative. This is how I became my own father. And...

Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies.

She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love...

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else.

My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person.

Toothpaste Tuesday—bring in your favorite toothpaste-covered t-shirt and win free condoms. Remember to smile, because life goes on.

Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.

Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.

Will you be my formal yawn formation at dawn? One rocking chair nailed to the floor does not make a relationship, if you know what I mean.

An anonymous man has no power, because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength, because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?

That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

Why fly in a space ship when you can just park it in my driveway? I’ll even move my tricycle to the bathtub, to heighten your showering experience. Who says I’m not romantic?

I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.

Blessed are the organized, for they will gain everything that they’ll never lose.

I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee, and that’s why I had a wad of dollar bills.

A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).

My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.

People say the government makes no money, but that’s not true. They make money like any bandit or robber does.

Who was where when has no impact on where you are now.

There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking

She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It’s a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.

I love love, I hate hate, and I’m indifferent about indifference.

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

I wasn’t fast asleep. But only because I was sleep walking, and I’m not a speed walker.

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

Everybody thinks they’re different—and they are—but they all demand to be treated the same. Why?