I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

I love microwave dinners. I also like eating other appliances, like fridges and dishwashers.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

It was more like a movie. Everyone was wearing black, gray, or white except for her. She was in a red dress, and like a herd of bulls, the crowd was angry and made charges...

I don’t eat applesauce, but I do eat applause. I don’t use a spoon—I eat applause with my hands.

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

A brand is built action by action, just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand homeless?

The past—I’m looking forward to it.

Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with 22 letters than English can with 26.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

Grandpa often tells me I dance like my legs are engulfed in flames. I just go out there and put the fire of desire in women’s hearts.

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what...

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.

I think it’s important to set goals for myself, goals for the future, goals that I’ll demand my clones achieve for me.

I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.

A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.

The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

In times of flattery, the only sin is sincerity.

Love has a sound, if you know what to listen for. It sounds like silence, surrounded by blindness. It’s the Helen Keller of emotions, at least for me.

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan that looks like green hard candy pieces, about the size of Smarties, and...

Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let the world know you’re serious.

I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

College has given me the confidence I need to fail.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

The Rockies are the backbone of this country. And I’m no doctor, but I think we have scoliosis.

If I were a superhero, I’d be Honesty Man. I’d be so transparent I’d be invisible.

The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.

I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, “Don’t make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.

Love is a miracle drug. Shoot it up through your toes, so nobody knows.

Love is a four-letter word, like frog, only with more kissing and less princing.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.

I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.

When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

Her love was decaffeinated, and mine wasn’t. Her love was also black, and mine was creamy and sweet. How could she not want to drink it up?

If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if dating a beautiful yellow bulldozer was wise. Is my bulldozer nothing but a...

Coffee is the only brown liquid I’d drink out of a toilet. Well, almost the only one, as I’d drink number two for the number one in my life.

After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.

I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.