Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to...

The road to hell isn’t paved with gold, it’s paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that’s backed by a belief that people have faith in other people’s belief in it.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make it a point to break for love. My horn is broke—and so am...

I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing a gun that shoots love, not bullets.)

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

Jacksonville has a rich history, full of poverty, plight, and poor economic decisions. If you follow the phrase “Follow the money” literally, you’d have left town decades ago.

After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator shaft?

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

Your love, it takes me to the moon. Let’s get back to the film studio and start over. Pour a small cup of coffee while I take one large sip for mankind.

We were in Paris. We were in love. We were with other people at the time and wouldn’t even meet for two years.

I put out the Greg Call, which sounds like a whistle-quack, and a few dozen Toms responded. The only time I need a Tom is tomorrow.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

She had no legs, so I made her wear suspenders and I carried her like a backpack. True love knows no luggage.

Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it

A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your...

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

Forget seeing the future. Most people can’t see the present until it’s in the past. Like me, all my I love yous match up with all my ex’s I loved yous.

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.

A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

Generally, competition is a good thing. But not when it’s between two nipples, specifically mine, over which one can suck the most.

She had eyes like sunsets, and every time she blinked it felt like the end of the world, otherwise known as night.

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because...

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.