An award would be more prestigious if it came with a supplemental income for a year, so you could focus on repeating your title.

Don’t talk sign language and masturbate at the same time. Not unless you’re translating a Presidential State of the Union address.

I look forward to getting my hopes up. I have an appointment for disappointment.

If you had to sacrifice three people to save six people, would you do it? I would—if the three were politicians and the six were teachers, inventors, artists, or anybody but lawyers, lobbyists, or central...

Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t...

Love is like politics, I think as I then think no it isn’t.

I have the superhero gift of invisibility. I must be invisible, because the woman I love doesn’t see me. I might as well be into Helen Keller.

I wrote a book on sex. It’s got a hole in it so you can literally fornicate with it. I’ve only sold one copy, but I’ve heard that the buyer shared the book with all...

When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my funk. I didn’t break any dishes either, but I did break dance.

I had a dream about you. Time didn’t exist for us. We were like two people who were in love who were always late. But we didn’t care, because where there is no time there...

Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.

A poll was conducted among all the dead people who voted in the 2012 presidential election asking which major metropolis would make the best ghost town, and 66.6% said Jacksonville. The other 33.3% continued to...

Jack and Hilda went up the hill to fetch a mountain of valley.

Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying,...

I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.

I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge.

I’m not an actor. I just play one on TV.

He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.

Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.

My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.

I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

This is my logo for Art and Books

Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.

I had a dream about you. We were trying to come up with a hashtag to market our relationship. I suggested #fourlipsonekiss and #twomouthsonevoice, but you went with something confusing like #idontloveyou and #wearenotinarelationship.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

I had a dream about you. We were waiting in line, and you were right in front of me. The line was three people long, and I felt like the bronze medalist of the Checkout...

We went out to a romantic dinner, and do you know how you can just tell when it’s the perfect moment to propose? Well, it wasn’t one of those moments—at least not with her. I...

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

Sure, I’ll have sex with you—for twenty bucks.” Geez! For half that I can get twice the value, in two twins and a ham sandwich down at the trailer park. Sure, the combined age of...

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

I had a dream about you. I was a shoe salesman and you had no feet. I needed to make a sale or I’d be fired, and you needed reliable transportation. I suggested you buy...

Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn’t wear any. I’d go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I’d tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female...

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.

I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.