I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for...

Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.

I opened a storefront with a 6’ ceiling. I did it for the low overhead.

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

Agatha’s older than I was when I was her age.

I’m in the movie business. I tear ticket stubs.

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

I dance like I have a chip on my shoulder. I dance salsa.

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

Teamwork: I love the idea of all for one—especially if that one is me.

A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really believe in.

Dinner for two—plus one.

With anything, it either is, or it isn’t. There is no isisn’t. Except for zombies—who are both dead and not dead at the same time.

A blanket could be used to catch a hippopotamus. But you try it out first, and let me know if it works.

We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.

A brick could be used as the ultimate bug crusher. But why you’d use a brick as a shoe, I have no idea.

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.

A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we could figure out where sleep comes from, we’d know where it goes to while we’re awake, instead of thinking it just...

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.

I tried to rinse off in the Shower of Love, but you had used all the hot water. So I just stood there, crying, and peeing on my feet.

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

If you want to see how fast I run, just give me a football helmet and notice how my helmet collects bug carcasses like a car bumper.

Ghosts are invisible. So are people who are perfectly average. Be great or be greatless.

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big,...

Oh wow! I didn’t know knowing would hurt this much” and try to give it back. Once you know, there’s no going back to blissful ignorance.

As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.

A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.

If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it. Sadly, I don’t have a necklace like that. The closest thing I have...

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

I’m as efficient as a fish in the desert. I make love like a sundial at night.

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

The Eternal Golden Braid.” I tipped it toward me and a lever released the bookcase revealing it to be a secret door.

Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.

Not too many people are talking about silence. People are suspiciously silent on the subject of silence.

On influence: If you want to have a lot of pull, don’t go pushing people around.

The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

If I had chlorophyll instead of blood, I’d have ivy in my IV (not Roman numeral four).