What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way of Him—and the buffet in the banquet hall. Stand aside—I’m starving!

I made her a bathing suit—out of saran wrap. We made love like leftovers.

When I’m feeling down, I make myself a big bowl of Up Soup. The bowl only looks empty, but in reality it’s full of hope. Grab a spoon, there’s plenty for both of us.

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.

A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.

I make love like I make dinner. I order take out.

When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

When money for food is scarce, I’ve got to start tightening my belt. And if I keep getting skinnier from not eating, I’ll have to tighten my belt even further.

The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.

A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house.

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want to bypass language—both verbal and nonverbal—and leap to pure concept where all men...

Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?

A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold.

Why are desire scales 1-10? They should be 1-12, like a clock, because I want her 1-12, I mean like all the time.

My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it...

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?

Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical, or you could buy 101 copies of my .99 cents ebook. Just kidding—I...

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those...

Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

Don’t drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.

My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

A brick could be used to squiggle your signature with. And while you’re in the autographing mood, why don’t you sign your name at the bottom of the lunch bill.

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

I know my kids are safe, because they’re still in my testicles. Can I fix you an omelet? I make them by hand?

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.

The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.

The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are using are going to construct schools or prisons. They won’t tell, and you...