If I were a betting man, and Thank Vegas I’m not, I’d say this bartender looks guilty of murder. Or maybe he just looks drunk. Possibly the two looks are identical.

I didn’t hear what was said, but I laughed, because I was too embarrassed to embarrass him by breaking up his punch line and laughter by asking him to repeat it.

I make love sensually, and without the aid of a fancy recipe. I just open the box, add water, stir a bit, and pop it in the oven.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance.

Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought a doorbell.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks.

I make love like a backseat, not on a backseat. I’m both in motion, yet stationary. I would encourage you to encourage your mom to buckle up.

The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?

I don’t know what I’ll do until I know what you’ll do. I’m proactive with my preemptive reactive strategy.

I had some good sex last night. How do I know it was good? Because I was participating, and not just a passive spectator and photographer.

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

The quickest way to alter an altar is not with a hammer, or even religious deconstruction, but with a typo.

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

I stepped in gum. It was just floating on the water.

Go to a cemetery for the scenery. After you die, go back to the cemetery to become one with nature.

Sleeping, it’s what cats do best. It’s why they are my heroes.

I don’t care if I’m on the moon, the party is on the sun, and I am an albino, you should still invite me.

Flies travel like they’re named. Humans should be called Walks.

When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.

I wonder what city Grover Cleveland is from. Probably Cincinnati.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Love is a door leading to a better existence. But knock before entering, because behind that door I think grandpa’s taking a shit.

Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret society plotting to take over the world. But that’s utter nonsense. That group...

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.

We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on her friend the whole night. Sure, her friend couldn’t dance either, and literally...

She made my heart melt, so I replaced it with a new candle. Love is illuminating.

I promised her the world, but instead I bought her a globe.

More people have drowned in Friendship Fountain than in any other fountain representing friendship. I should add that I hold Friendship Fountain personally responsible for the enmity that exists between me and my former best...

When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.

A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage.

I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.

I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.

A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because they make better cheese.

I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.

I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents.

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

I love myself.

Grandpa said I was speeding, but he drives as fast as a parked car, so anything that moves as fast as a statue is supersonic.

A brick could be used as a hammer. A brick could be both a tool and a building material in the construction of a mansion. That’s like having an engineer design secret tunnels in your...

Maybe is the lovechild of No and Yes. We should make love. I’ll be the No, you’ll be the Yes, and maybe I won’t call the cops but will call you again sometime.

I am 1/7 billionth of humanity, and I am hungry for truth. I’m also hungry for love, knowledge, and pasta.

A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness.

I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.

Sword and words—same letters, and same ability to cut down.

A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated. Every brick in this country is equal, and as such they should be...

I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.